The Stillness Within: A Retelling
by Adamantwrites
Summary: Joe is left blind after an explosion. As a result of this, two people whom Joe needs arrive at the Ponderosa-a teacher for Joe and a long-absent brother.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. All original plots and characters are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Chapter 1**

There was the light and the sound so loud that it couldn't be heard but could only be felt. Joe knew he was thrown backwards, landed hard, and next, at least to his awareness, he was on a downy softness with his father's deep voice murmuring in the background. Joe was reminded of when he had been in school after lunch on a warm day and his eyelids would become heavy, his head would drop on his crossed arms and all he would hear is the soft murmuring of voices around him. That is until Miss Jones would poke him awake with the ruler.

But this time Joe couldn't rise to the surface. He was floating on the lake and the water was lifting him and shifting him along with the waves which he could hear lap on the distant shore or splash slightly against a boulder. It was so peaceful, so calm and then he went under the water again and the velvet darkness enveloped him—so comforting.

"I'll sit with him a while," Ben said to the doctor who was packing up his bag, folding his stethoscope.

"That's a good idea. I've fixed him up as well as I could—I believe he has a concussion. Even if he doesn't, by the size of that bruise on his temple, he took quite a blow. His skin might be tender due to the heat of the blast and, well, what I worry about the most is his hearing. When he fully comes to, check his hearing. Speak in a low voice and see if he responds."

"His hearing? Because of the blast?"

"You've seen it before, Ben I'm sure, with all the blasting that goes on around here. Too loud a sound and it can deafen a man, sometimes permanently." The doctor stood up while Ben nodded. "I'll talk to Hoss downstairs, fill him in on Joe's prognosis."

"Thank you, doctor." Ben started to rise to shake Dr. Martin's hand but the doctor told him to sit—not to worry about social courtesies. He was sure Hoss would let him out. Then he left Ben alone with his youngest son.

Ben watched Joe breathe and settled in the chair next to Joe's bed. After a few minutes, Hoss came in, his hands thrust deep in his pockets. That's how Ben knew Hoss was very worried; that action revealed Hoss' attempts to keep himself together.

"Doc said that Joe should be okay—just got some superficial burns and all. He said Joe was walloped on the head by somethin' and that he has a concussion."

"Yes. He's almost come around a few times but keeps slipping away."

Hoss wanted to comfort his worried father. "He'll be okay, Pa. After all, he survived the blast all in one piece."

"What happened, Hoss?" All Ben really knew was that Hoss came in the house carrying Joe and saying that Thad had gone for the doctor; there had been an explosion. And Hoss, after placing Joe on his bed, had paced the floor downstairs, waiting for the doctor to arrive. "Joe is usually so careful," Ben added.

Earlier, while waiting for the doctor, Hop Sing had brought up a basin of water and some cloth and he had been laving Joe's face and washing soot and other marks off his skin. Together, he and Ben had undressed Joe so that he lay only in his long underwear under the sheet. And Joe hadn't yet wakened.

"I ain't tryin' to sound smart, Pa, but Joe was so distracted 'bout goin' off to see Sally Morris that he might've been rushin'. We unloaded the buckboard and I went in to talk to Thad while Joe finished and then—boom. There was the explosion from the storage shed and all I could think of was Joe. I run out and he was just layin' there 'bout ten feet from the shed. He was out cold and I could see he was burned some but…" Hoss wiped his eyes, "Pa, he was like a rag doll. Thad went for the doctor and I brung him home and that's all I know."

Ben nodded. "When Joe wakes up, he'll tell us more."

"Yeah, Pa. When Joe wakes up. You want I should write Adam?"

Ben looked up. "Yes. Adam would want to know. He would want to know." Ben sat back, resting.

"Okay. I'll go write 'im now." And Hoss thought, as he walked down the stairs, that he'd have to tell Adam that Pa was in a bad way over Joe. Maybe Adam would be able to come home from Baltimore. Hoss knew it wasn't likely that Adam could just up and leave his firm but a man never knew. A man never knew about a lot of things.

Hoss sat down at his father's desk and pulled some paper out of a drawer.

"Dear, Adam," he wrote. He paused, not knowing how to continue; he hadn't written Adam a letter since he was a kid and Adam was away at school back east—his father had always written the letters—so Hoss didn't really know what to say. The door opened and around the corner of the office alcove came Jaime.

"Hoss, I was riding in and saw Dr. Martin on the road. He said Joe was hurt. What happened?"

"Some nitro went off and Joe got hurt. He's upstairs but he's asleep." Hoss didn't want to worry Jamie. "Pa's with 'im. I don't think you should bother them none right now."

"Is Joe okay?"

"We don't know yet." Hoss went back to the letter.

"Who you writin' to?"

"My brother, Adam." Then Hoss looked up. "I guess he's your brother too even though you two've never met. Pa wants me to let him know 'bout Joe."

Jaime was just about to ask Hoss if he needed any help writing the letter when Ben came quickly down the stairs and stood on the first landing, grasping the railing. His face was gray.

"What is it, Pa?" Hoss asked, standing up.

"Catch up with Dr. Martin and bring him back—Joe is blind."

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

For the first few moments, Joe couldn't remember time or place—he thought that he was a small child and then he remembered that he was grown and his bearings came to him. He could feel his father's hand brushing aside his hair, at least he thought it was his father because when Joe opened his eyes, he saw nothing. His first thought was that it was night, that he had slept all day but even night wasn't this black. Joe rapidly blinked his eyes, trying to clear them but the impenetrable, velvety blackness pressed against his face and he felt as if he was suffocating. This wasn't just darkness, this was a complete lack of light. It was as if a black ooze had settled over him and he couldn't free himself from the matter.

"Joe, what is it, son?" Ben noticed Joe blinking and the fear on his face as he pulled himself to a semi-upraised position. But then, Joe fell back onto the pillow. A stomach-churning dizziness overwhelmed him—his head throbbed with an indescribable pain.

"Can you hear me, Joe? Can you?" Ben remembered what the doctor had said, that Joe might have some hearing loss but this was different than just not hearing; it was as if Joe looked beyond him, through him. Joe turned to his father's voice, to the side where just a few moments before, a comforting hand had stroked his hair.

"Pa, I can't see you." Joe reached out for his father who grabbed his arm but Joe pulled it away. "I can't see anything. Is it night? Day?" Joe held his palm in front of his face, even placing it over his features but nothing. "I can't see my hand, Pa. I can feel it—I know it's there but I can't see it-or anything. Pa! I'm blind, Pa, I'm blind!" Joe's voice rose as the full import came upon him.

Ben grabbed his son. "Joe, it's probably just from the accident. Just lie back. Dr. Martin just left—I'll send Hoss after him. Just lie back and rest. Just rest. Don't get out of bed." But Ben felt fear grip his bowels. Joe was terrified of the blackness enveloping him; Ben knew by the look on Joe's face because Ben felt that same fear himself.

Hoss quickly brought back Dr. Martin who examined an uncooperative Joe. Joe wanted to know more than the doctor could answer and Hoss and Jamie paced in the hall outside the bedroom door. They could hear Joe's desperate voice and the calming voice of their father. The deep, sonorous tones of Dr. Martin as he tried to override Joe's angry and pained voice. Finally, the doctor came out and Hoss rushed him.

"What is it Doc? He blind like Pa said?"

"Yes, he's blind."

"Damn it all, I never shoulda let Joe finish up by himself—never. It's my fault." Hoss fought hard against his emotions. He pressed his lips together.

Dr. Martin put a comforting hand on Hoss' shoulder while Jamie quietly watched.

"Hoss, it's not your fault. From what I gathered, a cat knocked the nitro off a shelf and thank God, Joe was far enough away to just be blown backwards by the concussion of the blast. I don't know whether it was the blow to his head or whether it was the heat that scorched him or the brightness of the explosion itself that caused his loss of sight. And that's what it is—a loss of sight. Joe's sight could return tomorrow, next week, next month. He may have all his vision return or only part of it—I don't know-no one could know."

"Or none of it return," Jamie said in a whisper. Both Hoss and the doctor looked at Jamie; they had forgotten about him. "Joe could be blind forever."

"That's a possibility as well," the doctor said. "Joe's sight may never return." He patted Hoss on the arm. "I'll let myself out and I'll be back tomorrow." Hoss nodded and as the doctor passed Jamie, he patted him on the shoulder as well.

Hoss quietly went into Joe's room. His father sat next to the bed, his head in his hands. Hoss knew he was praying. Joe lay staring at the ceiling—his eyes wide open and Hoss noticed the tears on his cheeks.

"Hoss?" Joe said, turning his head in Hoss' direction. Ben sat up and looked and saw that Hoss stood about two feet inside the room.

"Yeah?" Hoss was surprised Joe called him out and he walked closer to the bed.

Joe cocked his head. "Jamie? That you behind Hoss?"

"Yeah, Joe, it's me? Can you see us?"

Joe gave a disdainful chuckle but his voice quavered. "No, but I can hear Hoss breathing and the floor boards creaking. Hoss, you're gonna go right through them if you don't stop having third servings and with my blindness, I'll fall through the hole right after you. And you, Jamie, who else leaves such light footsteps around here—kind of like a deer who comes creeping around to see if it's safe? See what a good blind man I'll be? I'm learning already."

Ben, Hoss and Jamie looked at one another. "Dr. Martin said that your sight might come back at any time…"

"Dr. Martin doesn't know shit," Joe said.

"Joe!" Ben reprimanded and then controlled himself and dropped his tone. "Now, Joseph, Dr. Martin himself said that his expertise isn't in this area, that he'll consult with a specialist in Boston and let us know their opinions, their prognoses. He recommended that we send to The School for the Blind for a teacher in the meantime to help you cope."

Joe laughed and all three were shocked by the cruel, self-mocking edge to it and his words that followed. "Are you going to use that patronizing tone with me all the time now, Pa? Are you finally going to let me put my feet on the table, make sure that Hoss doesn't cheat me at checkers and that no one feeds me stones instead of bread? Get the biblical reference, Pa? See. My mind's still sharp. I might even be able to use this blindness to my advantage—get all sorts of benefits. See,-oh, look, I used 'see.' Funny how we use that word. Are all of you going to be careful now and not use that word around me? How about 'blind luck'? And how about this quote? 'There are none so blind as those who will not see.' I'll tell you the real truth, Pa. I'll tell all three of you. There are none so blind as those who can't see."

"Joe," Ben said, reached out to touch his son but Joe pushed his hand away. "Leave me alone, Pa. And don't write for any teacher; I don't need one. I'll be fine. My sight will come back-probably after a good night's sleep. Maybe it'll take a week, a month—but it will come back. And even if it doesn't, I'll manage. I'll do just fine. Now all of you get out and leave the blind man alone—and don't think I won't know if you're still here." Joe looked angrily in the direction that he sensed his family stood. "Go ahead. Leave. Oh, and put out the lamp; I don't need the light."

Ben, Hoss and Jamie walked out and Hoss put his arm around his father. "Pa, I'm goin' to town and wire Adam. A letter takes too damn long." Ben nodded. "Jamie, you get Hop Sing to make some of that soothin' tea for Pa."

"I don't need any 'soothing' tea," Ben said.

"Fine. Have some brandy in your tea," Hoss responded.

But Jamie nodded to Hoss and hurried down the stairs. Hoss noticed the rapidity and the ta-tucka-ta-tucka cadence of Jamie's steps, how he led with the right foot and then the left foot quickly followed almost as a skip. Even with his eyes closed, he'd know it was Jamie. Hoss figured that was how a blind person would know—but he'd rather be able to see who was coming toward him than have to rely on sound. But Hoss would change places with Joe any day so that his younger brother could see the sun rise again and the greenness of the pines and the different blues of the lake and the sky-and not just in his memories.

TBS


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The telegram from Hoss that was delivered to Adam's office was waiting on his desk after his meeting with a business group. They had approved and accepted his and his partner's design for a new office building. The meeting ended with handshakes all around and Adam felt happy as he always did when one of his designs was going to be brought to life.

It was odd, Adam thought, that a building, such an inanimate object made of stone and wood could be considered "alive" but he prided himself on the flowing, organic designs of his structures. His style and designs were now becoming so familiar that people would say, "That looks like a Cartwright/Branch design," Thomas Branch being Adam's partner. But the bad part was that other architects were making derivative designs; they lacked the true panache of a Cartwright/Branch design, but imitators began to arise and some businesses, not wanting to pay the steep price for an actual Cartwright/Branch design or to purchase the quality materials necessary to breathe life into the structure, were contracting with the lesser architectural firms.

"Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery," Adam said to Thomas after they saw the first submitted ersatz design in competition with theirs a year ago, "but to me, it should be a lawsuit."

"Too bad we're not out west," Thomas said. "You could call them out—now, all you can do is call them insulting names."

And Adam smiled at the truth of it. But many a night as he sat eating alone in his brownstone, his dinner having been made by his housekeeper who had already left for the day, Adam felt the longing to return home to the Ponderosa. He missed his family desperately at times like this, times when his work didn't absorb him and his mind could jump from thought to thought. And Adam wondered why he hadn't yet asked Mary McCrady to be his wife.

Mary was a lovely woman—educated, cultured and pretty and he cared for her. But Adam knew that Mary could never be happy in Nevada, never be happy away from Baltimore and its social life and Adam wasn't certain that he would be happy staying away from home. He tried to be honest with himself and decided that must be the reason he hadn't yet proposed although he knew it was expected of him—and soon. Mary told Adam she loved him and he believed her. Adam also knew that Mary would make him a good wife and that her prestigious family would be an immeasurable help to his architectural firm. And yet, when Adam opened the telegram from Hoss that said that Joe had been blinded in an accident and that their father was distraught, Adam never even considered Mary McCrady, only packed his bags, stopped by Thomas Branch's house to tell him that he had to leave for home and would send a wire when he knew how long he might be gone; Adam didn't yet know the whole situation. But as for Mary, it wasn't until he was on the train and far into his trip that Adam remembered Mary and that he should have at least left a message for her. He considered that he would write her once he was home and then he put her out of mind again.

The train didn't move fast enough for Adam and he felt restless; he wanted to pace the aisle but all he could do was sit in his seat and allow himself to be drawn along. He watched the landscape flash by through the window and the beat of the train echoed the beat of his heart. And Adam worried about what was happening at home as he traveled, what Joe must be going through—and his father. And Hoss.

Joe tried to convince himself and everyone else that his blindness was temporary, that at any moment the blackness would lift and light would enter his eyes again. He told his father that he didn't need a teacher, that it was useless for his father to throw away money for the teacher's passage when by the time the teacher arrived from San Francisco, Joe would be able to see again. And Ben told him that he hoped that it would be so; then Joe could tell the teacher himself that he or she wasn't needed.

But the fear always rose in Joe's heart and stopped his breath whenever he thought about never seeing again; it made him realize how much he had taken for granted. Although he had lived in the house for years, moved effortlessly from room to room, almost gliding with his elegant strides, now he couldn't find his way around without bumping into furniture. Once he knocked over a lamp, heard the clatter of metal and the shattering of glass and smelled the lamp oil. Hop Sing, in his efforts to minimize Joe's clumsy mistake said, "It okay. Good thing it day and lamp not lit." Then Joe realized how easily he could set the whole house on fire. It made him consider that maybe all of them wouldn't be better off if he lived alone; there would be no need for lit lamps then. His whole world could remain dark and since he felt isolated, immersed in a pit of darkness anyway, why not live alone?

"I almost set the house on fire today, Hoss," Joe had said as the two brothers sat on the front porch that evening. It was that time of day, right before the sun sets and night falls and all the days worries seem to recede. Hoss had just described to Joe the stars beginning to shine through and Joe had leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes to better enjoy the soft breeze that lifted strands of his hair and soothed his face.

"Just like you, Joe, to be so hard on yourself. I swear-you get more like Adam all the time. You knocked over more lamps than that when you was a kid. Accidents happen. Let it go."

"You don't understand, Hoss, but Adam would. I don't know why I bother to tell you anything."

"Best watch it, short-shanks—I wipe your ass, remember? And I can both wipe it and kick it at the same time."

Joe snorted but stayed quiet. Hoss was the one who helped him with his daily needs; Jamie had volunteered but Hoss had swaggered over to Jamie and told him that his job was to be Joe's ambassador, to drive him around the ranch once a day and get him outside and help him with them society people in town and such. Hoss was going to be Joe's "valet," pronouncing the "t." Ben smiled and Joe did as well, even giggling, and Ben felt a slight respite from his worry; it was the first time Joe had smiled since the accident.

And Joe hated being so dependent on Hoss, not because it was Hoss but because he needed someone else—anyone else. The first time he had to go to the outhouse, Hoss had led him. Later, they tied a rope so that Joe could find his way on his own but he knew that someone was always waiting in case he needed something. And that to Joe was the worst part.

Joe realized that he never could be sure that he was alone in a room, that he wasn't being watched or observed. That led to an acute sense of paranoia. Even when he went into his room and closed his door, he listened and then would drop to a crouch and feel around the room. He didn't think Jamie or Hoss and definitely not Hop Sing or his father would hide in the dark, but what if someone had broken in? And when he tried to find comfort and release for himself, what if he wasn't alone? Could someone be watching him?

The first day of Joe's blindness, he slept from the dose the doctor had given him to ease him into further blackness, away from the overwhelming terror of blindness. The second day, as soon as Joe had fully wakened, there were immediate obstacles. Joe didn't know how to relieve himself. Things were too much and he wanted to cry in frustration. Hoss pulled Joe over to the window, opened the sash and told him to go out the window.

"I can't do that!' Joe had said, his voice breaking at his helplessness.

"I think you can—just don't expect me to hold, point and then shake off the dew."

Half crying and half laughing, Joe did as Hoss said and then afterwards, he sat heavily on the bed, his head dropping.

"Here," Hoss said and Joe felt a basin pushed to his hands. "Wash up. Breakfast is in a few minutes. Can you smell that? Mmmmm, mmmmm, bacon and biscuits."

Joe raised his head; he wished he could see Hoss' face. Joe knew that Hoss was trying to treat him as normally as he could but things weren't normal anymore and may never be again. Because of one instance, the cat in the storeroom, his life and those of his family's had been changed—maybe forever. "I'm not hungry."

"What you mean, you're not hungry? You ain't eat since breakfast yesterday."

"I know it's hard for you to understand—someone not being hungry," Joe said with heavy sarcasm, "but I'm not." Joe wiped his wet hands on the towel Hoss handed him.

The brothers sat in silence. Joe knew Hoss was still standing there; he heard Hoss breathing and hadn't heard footsteps leaving. Then Hoss spoke, his voice deep and full of emotion.

"You don't know what you're going to do iffen you gotta take a crap, do you? That's why you don't wanna eat."

And Joe broke down in sobs. Hoss wanted to reach out and comfort his brother but he also knew how Joe hated pity and Joe saw sympathy as pity.

And it was then that Hoss realized how paramount the loss of one's sight was—and he wished that Adam was there to help. Hoss didn't like being the oldest brother; he needed an older brother himself.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**A guest reviewer was appalled that Hoss would tell Joe to urinate out the window and asked about the chamber pot so I wanted to address it (whether that guest reviewer is continuing to read or not-someone else may have wondered.) I figured that being newly blind, aim would be an issue for Joe and the possibility of backsplash, a real issue. Chamber pots had a lip to make sitting more comfortable but as for male urination, I would imagine they posed some problems. But-that was how I tried to strategically imagine it for a blind male as the open window was my resolution.**

Chapter 4

Remembering Gabrielle, the blind child who had stayed with them years ago, Ben helped Joe each time he sat down to a meal by telling him what was where on his plate—the pre-cut meat, mashed potatoes and beans and such. Hop Sing said that if they would let him cook Chinese, chopped vegetables, slender slices of meat and sticky rice all together on the plate, then Joe would have no problem eating.

"You'd probably make Joe eat with them chopsticks and he'd never get one bite in his mouth," Hoss said derisively and Jamie laughed. Even Ben smiled as he sat at the table. Hop Sing harrumphed.

"We should make you eat with chopsticks," Joe said to Hoss, "and then maybe you'd lose some weight! You'd never get anything in your mouth but empty sticks of wood."

"Yeah, well, iffen I lose weight, I'll be sneakin' up on you 'cause them floor boards won't creak no more and be pullin' all sorts of jokes on you!"

They all laughed and then Joe, whose emotions were close to the surface, went from laughter to tears. He tried to put his napkin on the table as he stood but it fell off the table's edge and he felt it slip away when he tried to recover it. He knocked his chair over as he pushed it back to leave the table and when he attempted to kick it aside, he entangled his foot in the chair legs and tripped over it and went down on his knees. Hop Sing, who was closest, tried to help Joe up while everyone else jumped to their feet.

"Leave me alone!" Joe yelled angrily, slapping away any helping hand. "Just leave the blind man alone!" And Joe finally managed to stand and staggered over to the stairs, bumping into the settee and finally managing to reach the newel post. He lurched up the stairs, falling down once and barking his shin on a stair edge, crying out at the sharp pain that went deep to the bone. "God damn this house!" he yelled to no one in particular and managed up the rest of the stairs, clinging to the rails. He felt his way along the hall until he reached his room where he dropped to his knees and then crawled to his bed. When he felt the coverlet hanging, Joe stood up and then crawled onto the bed and curled up as an armadillo does to protect its soft underbelly. Joe felt as he did when he was a small child and his world had collapsed with the death of his mother—such a yawning emptiness. And no one could enter his private world of suffering—no one else could share his pain or his misery.

And downstairs, Ben, his elbows resting on the table, dropped his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking with his barely suppressed sobs. To see Joe in so much pain was more than he could stoically bear. But the worst part was that there was no comfort he could offer—and Joe resisted all his meager attempts. No longer could Ben pull Joe onto his lamp and kiss the mass of dark curls and hum a soothing song to calm him. And no longer could Ben wake to check on his small son and find Joe, not in his own bed, but in Adam's, Joe curled up like a snail against Adam's back, both breathing evenly.

Hoss, Jamie and Hop Sing looked from one to the other, none of them knowing what to do.

"Pa," Hoss said, "don't beat yourself up like this. It's only been a little over a week. Time'll make things better, Pa. It has to. Just take hope. Joe, well…time..."

Ben looked up and composed himself. "Yes." He looked at Hop Sing's worried face, the man's eyes filled with empathy. Ben knew that it was wearing on his long-time cook and companion. After all, Hop Sing had been there from the beginning of Joe's life as well and had helped raise him with sage advice; he loved Joe as well. "Hop Sing, would you bring Jamie a glass of milk? It seems that his is spilt."

No one had noticed that Jamie's glass had been tipped over and that milk had soaked the tablecloth.

"I bring milk and towel for table." Hop Sing hurried to the kitchen.

"Dinner looks good, sons. Let's eat." And they continued with their somber meal.

So when Miss Dobbs, the teacher from The San Francisco School for the Blind arrived, Joe didn't want her to stay. He told her that it would be a waste of her time—after all, his sight would return, maybe tomorrow—and it would be waste of his time as well. Besides, he was getting along just fine without her But what Joe didn't know was that his father and Hoss had looked at each other wondering how Miss Dobbs, who, unbeknownst to Joe, was blind herself, could convince Joe that he really did need her and her guidance and that he was only deceiving himself.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Three days before her arrival, Ben had received the wire saying that a teacher, a Miss Dobbs, would be arriving within the week. Teachers were not easily spared at the institute, especially not Miss Dobbs as she was one of the best-but that was why they were sending her. She had been in the consultation on Joe's case and had volunteered. On the morning that Miss Dobbs showed up at the front door at the Ponderosa, Jamie had taken Joe out for his daily buggy ride. They would stop at some shady glade and Joe and Jamie would sit in the grass, often leaning against a tree. Joe would always ask Jamie to describe the scene.

But Jaime always felt inept. "I don't know all the words, Joe. I can't describe things to you very good. I could tell you the sky is cloudy today but that doesn't do it justice. I mean, there are all kinds of cloudy."

"Try, would you? What kind of clouds are they? The streaky kind?"

"No, they're the big, fluffy kind. My teacher told us the name for them—it starts with a 'c' but then I think all the types do."

Joe chuckled. "Jamie, even if you remembered, I sure as hell don't. Just describe them to me."

"Okay. You know when you were a kid and you'd lie on your back and see all sorts of things in them? That's the kind of clouds they are."

"What do you see in the clouds?" Joe asked.

"Lemme look," Jamie said. "Well, there's one up there that looks a little like a horse—well, a spavined horse with a tiny head. Guess maybe it looks more like an otter."

Joe smiled. "Is the sky clear or do the clouds have gray around their edges like it's going to rain?"

"Sky's blue, Joe. It's so blue it almost hurts your eyes." Jamie realized what he said and sat up straight but he noticed Joe had a small grin.

"Are you worried about what you said, Jamie-boy? About the blue hurting your eyes?"

"Yeah. I wasn't trying to make a comment about your eyes or anything."

"I know, Jamie. And I also know what color that is. I miss the color of things, the beauty of the Ponderosa, of the grass and the trees. Don't take things like that for granted, Jamie—the beauty that surrounds you. And really look at things, don't glance and think you've seen them. Look."

"I haven't thought about things like that. The only thing I really look at is girls and I sure do try to remember what they look like afterwards."

Joe laughed deeply. "I know what that's like…and I also know what a jackass I've been to all of you…"

"Oh, no, Joe, you haven't. I just wish that I could do more to help you."

"Describing the world to me, that's enough. The things you say about them, well, they make me remember what the world looks like. I can't believe that it's only been a little over a week since I... a week. It seems like forever—and it will be, won't it?"

"Gee, Joe, I don't know about any of this…"

Joe could sense Jamie's distress in his voice.

"Tell me about the flowers, Jamie, would you? What kind are here?"

And Jamie relaxed. Plants he could describe; Joe would be able to see them when Jamie gave the names. "Well, there are some Lodgepole pines, by the way."

"Do you know why they're called that?"

"No. I always thought it was a strange name."

"Well, Adam told me that it's because they're so straight and narrow that the Indians use them to build their lodges and to build a travois."

"Oh, that makes sense. And I can see some Mule's Ears. Hold on—I'll pick you some." And Jamie, grinning took off to pick the plant with the fuzzy, long leaves in the shape of a mule's ears. "And I'll pick some delphiniums too," he called back.

And so Joe sat and waited for Jamie to return. He could hear Jamie moving in the tall grass and was surprised that he could even hear the sound of the plants being picked. And then Joe thought how dangerous such a simple task as picking flowers could be for a blind person. What if a snake lay in wait or there was a bee hovering over the plant who resented the creature pulling up the seductively-scented flower and taking it away? Or what if he brushed up against poison oak or surprised a skunk—or a creature more fierce?

"You're becoming a damn coward, Joe. If you ever get your sight back, I'm sure you'll see a yellow streak where your spine should be." And then Joe smiled as he heard Jamie returning. Jamie placed the Mule's Ears in his hand and Joe ran his fingers over the fuzzy leaves. He couldn't help but smile remembering years ago how he and Hoss collected them when they were kids and had stuck some at the foot of Adam's bed between the sheets. So Joe told the story to Jaime, describing how Adam had bellowed when he thought some animal was attacking his feet and it was all their Pa could do to keep Adam from throwing Joe and Hoss both over the bannister. Joe said that he and Hoss were laughing so hard that they practically wet themselves; it was never easy to get one by Adam but they had managed that night.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

I have taken literary license and given Miss Dobbs a backstory. In the episode, she always called Joe "Joseph" and seemed to have a "maternal" affection toward him so I considered why she would feel this way; she must know not to become emotionally involved with students and yet she , IMO, loved him-not as a man loves a woman but as a mother loves a son.

Also, someone mentioned that I had removed/deleted two negative reviews-I have not. When I joined this forum, I was told that guest reviews may take two to three days to show up-one that I received two days ago has shown today.

**Part 6**

Miss Ellen Dobbs was a woman in her late fifties and delicate of build. She hadn't always been blind, though. Up until 17 years of age, Ellen had been a normal young lady from an upper middle class family, her father working as a teller in the Mill Street Bank and her mother being a pleasant woman who raised her daughter in the proper way. Mr. and Mrs. Dobbs adored their daughter and were proud of her as she was obviously intelligent and yet not so knowledgeable as to be offensive to men; she knew how to disguise her quickness of mind.

Ellen's fiancé was Mr. Norman Franklin, a 21 year old who was on his way up in the Mill Street Bank's management. He was an eager, astute, young man, not particularly handsome but he had aspirations of rising in society and saw Ellen with her natural grace, lovely voice and pleasant looks as perfect. Norman could see himself married to her, living in one of the grandest houses in Minneapolis and being the patriarch with a string of children and of course, an eldest son to emulate him.

They two young people were in love, but as is often the case, Ellen more so than Norman. Because of her adoration of him, it didn't take much effort after their betrothal had been announced for Norman to seduce Ellen-after all, he told her, they would soon be husband and wife and a wife's duty was to please her husband so she may as well start. And as the day for the wedding came upon them, Ellen loved Norman even more. They had discussed their plans for their future—actually, Norman talked and Ellen listened but she was glad to do so. Soon she would be Mrs. Norman Franklin.

Mrs. Dobbs and her daughter were walking home from the dressmaker's—Ellen had been to a fitting for her wedding gown, and they needed to cross the street. The mother and daughter were discussing whether or not they should have the seed pearls sewn along the border of the veil or if it would make the gauzy fabric too heavy when they stepped off the curb into the path of a wagon loaded six feet high with sacks of grain headed for the mills. The load was so heavy that a team of four draft horses were needed to pull it and since the horses were wearing blinkers, they couldn't see to the side and avoid the two women stepping into their path and therefore, the creatures were upon the women before they realized it. The horses attempted to rear in order to avoid the collision but the second set of horses panicked at the unknown commotion and the jerking on the traces and began to pull away, disturbing even more the lead horses who took off and trampled the two women. After the animals were finally controlled by the driver who had abandoned his load when the wagon tipped over and grain spilled on the street, Mrs. Dobbs was dead and her daughter, Ellen, had a serious head injury. A week later in the hospital Ellen finally came fully to consciousness and was told two pieces of news: she was more than likely irrevocably blind and they had discovered upon examination that she was pregnant.

Mr. Dobbs wanted Norman Franklin to marry his daughter immediately but Norman couldn't envision a blind woman as his wife so he broke the engagement. Mr. Dobbs accosted him at work and called him a heartless cad but Norman denied "knowing" Ellen—the child must be another man's bastard, he had said and he would not marry a woman whose virtue had been so badly compromised.

Once Ellen came home from the hospital, Mr. Dobbs informed her that he was sending her to some friends in San Francisco where she could further recuperate and who would let her stay until she gave birth. Then, after putting the infant up for adoption since that was best as she was both unmarried and blind, Ellen would attend The San Francisco School for the Blind. So Ellen Dobbs gave birth to a healthy, baby boy who was immediately taken from her and adopted out. And even though Ellen knew that she, at her tender age and with her newly-acquired blindness couldn't care for an infant, it was an action that she came to regret. But at the time, she was a confused, depressed, blind young woman who had always left decision making up to those more adept and knowledgeable. But when Miss Dobbs arrived at the Ponderosa as a teacher for the blind, she couldn't help but consider that her own long-lost son would be just about the same age as her new student, Joseph Francis Cartwright and she took him immediately to her heart.

Her face was gentle as she explained to both Ben and Hoss that she would eventually let Joe know that she was blind as well, but that would come later. Joe would think that a blind person was worthless since the usual reaction from someone who once had sight and then loses it, is that they themselves are useless. "But," Miss Dobbs explained, "if Joe can see what a blind person can do, that a blind person can actually teach another, then he will see that he too can have a place in this world where he can be of service. Please indulge me in this. I know that as his father and brother, you want to protect him…but you can't. The world is still there and Joe has to find his place in it and there will be cruel people and unfortunate events, the same as it was when he was sighted."

"All right, Miss Dobbs," Ben replied, "I won't say a word to Joe and I'll talk to Jamie, my youngest son. I do have to warn you though—Joe uses arrogance as a defense. Don't be convinced by it."

Miss Dobbs smiled and even laughed. "Even a blind person can recognize false bravado, Mr. Cartwright. Now, if you will trace the room—starting from the point by the front door—on the palm of my hand; it will help orient me. Do you have stairs?"

"Yes, ma'am," Hoss answered. "The bedrooms are upstairs but we decided, my pa and me since you was a lady, that you should use the room down here. I'll put your bags in there."

"Thank you, Hoss. How gracious you are."

Hos blushed and did his "aw, shucks" deprecatory smiles and picked up her valises and took them to the room.

"Now," Ben said, taking Miss Dobb's arm, "let me show you to the door." And Miss Dobbs laughed and said that she hoped that Ben meant it literally and not as the figure of speech that meant he was going to throw her out. "No, no, Miss Dobbs. I do believe that I will end up being happy that you're here."

"Thank you for your confidence in me. Now let me take your arm, Mr. Cartwright. You walk slightly ahead of me and I will follow but as I go about the room finding my way, please don't warn me of any furniture or such—it will disrupt my concentration. "

Hoss had returned to the great room and watched for a few moments while Miss Dobbs, her arm angled protectively across her face, walked about the room. First she walked the perimeter of the room, the other hand running lightly along the wall. Then Hoss decided to go into the kitchen to stay out of the way and to tell Hop Sing all about their visitor. After all, Hop Sing was a member of the family and earlier, he had been peeking around the corner of the dining room watching the stranger, "Missy Dobbs."

Miss Dobbs had finished calculating her bearings in the house and she and Ben were on the settee while Hoss sat by the fire. They were drinking coffee and Miss Dobbs was telling them of her job at the school when Hoss stood up; he heard a buggy pulling up in the yard.

"Joe and Jaime must be back. Now, Pa, 'member to pull Jamie aside. Maybe I should go out and grab him? What do you think, Pa?"

"Please," Miss Dobbs said, "don't make a fuss over my being here. Let Joe enter and meet me on his own home ground and you two treat me as you would anyone else who is here to perform a service. I am a paid employee—remember that at all times. I know it will be hard and that you will want to do for me things that you wouldn't for a sighted woman. Just treat me as normally as possible. Please."

Hoss sat back down. "Yes, ma'am but I got to tell you—our pa here, he raised us too good. We got so much manners they're coming outta our ears!" And they all laughed; it relaxed them a bit and even Miss Dobbs turned her head to look to the door as it opened. She smiled, expecting to hear Joe's voice and for Mr. Cartwright to ask him over to meet someone—her. But instead, she heard a gasp from Ben and Hoss' booming voice and his heavy footsteps as he bounded to the door.

"Adam, you old hornswoggler, took you long enough to get here!" Hoss grabbed Adam in a huge bear hug and the two men slapped each other on the back. "Don't you look like some big city dandy?"

"Hey, when in Rome…" and Adam then saw his father who stood with tears standing in his eyes. Hoss followed Adam's gaze and the smile fell from his face but Hoss wasn't as upset as he usually was when he saw his father display such deep-felt emotion; oldest brother was home.

Adam stepped to his father who had moved out from behind the settee and who stood as if he didn't believe what he was seeing. "Pa, I'm home," and Adam put his arms around his father and Ben held on to his son, clung to him.

"I'm glad you're home, son, I'm glad." Ben stepped back, swallowing back his tears of relief and held Adam by his upper arms, gazing at him.

"Don't he look big city, Pa?" Hoss asked.

"He looks good. I wondered if you'd come, Adam…I'm glad that you're home."

"Mistah Adam!"

Adam turned and saw the grinning face of Hop Sing. Adam put out his hand and shook Hop Sing's hand while he held Adam's in both of his.

"Good to see you, Hop Sing! I wondered where you were; thought you'd gone back to China by now with my father being the bear he is!"

"Many years I put up with grizzly bear—Hop Sing grow claws and teeth of own. Growl back. Glad to see Mistah Adam home. I go make fresh coffee for Mistah Adam and then I bake favorite cake in honor of two guests for dinner!" And Hop Sing, grinning widely, went back into the kitchen, his voice ringing out in Chinese as he thanked the household gods for "Mistah Adam's" safe return.

"Oh, Adam," Ben said turning, one hand still on Adam's arm, "this is Miss Dobbs. She's from The San Francisco School for the Blind. Miss Dobbs, this is my eldest son, Adam." Ben's pride in his son was obvious.

"How do you do, Miss Dobbs?" Adam shook her proffered hand but he knew immediately that she was blind although she did an excellent job of appearing seeing, focusing on his face—but it only fooled a person for a few moments. "I assume you're here for Joe."

"Yes," she said. "You have a powerful voice, Adam—much like your father's. And a broad heeled hand with fine fingers. I can tell by the callus on the side of your right index finger that you either write or draw quite a bit."

"Very good, Miss Dobbs. I'm an architect—I do both. If you meant to impress me, you did."

"Yes, I did mean to impress you. Many people think that since I'm blind, I can't be a teacher to the blind. I have to work extra hard to deflect any suspicions of incompetence."

"Well, Jesus did say that if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch. That might be the first thing that comes to people's minds." Adam examined her face, noticing where she "looked" as he spoke.

"The only sure guide is he who has often gone the road which you want to go. Let me be that guide; who have gone all roads, and who can consequently point out to you the best. Lord Chesterfield, I believe."

"Touché. Who can argue with Lord Chesterfield, after all. Much easier to discredit Jesus. But they're both metaphorical sayings anyway, aren't they?" Adam said. "I hope that Joe will be your star pupil—he never did care to be schooled. Speaking of—where is Joe?" Adam looked around the room.

"Um, Adam," Ben said, "Joe hasn't yet met Miss Dobbs. Jamie—I wrote you about him—well, he has Joe out for a ride. He doesn't know that Miss Dobbs is blind and she doesn't want him to know."

"Why not?" Adam looked puzzled.

"I'll explain it later, Adam. Just go along with it, would you? Don't say anything or do anything that might make Joe question whether Miss Dobbs is sighted or not."

"That's what you want, Miss Dobbs?" Adam asked.

"Yes," she said. "But I sense that you're an opinionated man, Adam, and don't agree."

"No, I don't agree but not for the reasons you might think. I know Joe and have a feeling that I know what he's going through having once been helpless myself but at least no one kept a secret from me—no one knew something that I didn't know and kept the knowledge from me—kept me, if you'll excuse the term, in the dark. How will Joe feel when he finally does find out—when you tell him? And then when he finds out that all of us knew it all the time and he didn't, that we kept it from him, how will he be able to trust us again? When he realizes he was duped, that all this time he thought he had a seeing teacher and then he finds out that you're blind? How will he feel?"

Adam looked from his father to Hoss. Hoss dropped his eyes; he knew Adam wouldn't take to the idea as soon as Miss Dobbs proposed it—Adam and his penchant for painful honesty.

"Adam," Miss Dobbs said, "trust me. Trust that I know what's best. I went blind at the ripe old age of eighteen—an accident. I lost my fiancé who shunned me then and so I shunned the world and from what your father wrote about Joe, that's what Joe is doing. Let him realize, when the time is right that is, that he has a place in the world. He may have lost many things but by then he will have gained so much in their place."

But Adam didn't have a chance to disagree because another buggy pulled up into the yard. The windows were open and they all heard a boy say, "Someone's here, Joe. Must be your new teacher."

"Damn it all to hell," they heard Joe respond and Adam and Hoss looked at each other, each suppressing a smile.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Joe walked in, his brow furrowed, now in a black mood and ready for battle; he had told his father not to send for a teacher and here he more than likely had. Jamie walked beside him and helped Joe maneuver the front door and the foyer. Joe walked with his arms out and his hands moving to feel anything in his way.

"Which one of you is the teacher?" Jamie asked. He was puzzled. An older woman, dressed sedately and surprisingly small in build, stood next to his father but on the other side, next to Hoss was a tall man with black hair that was graying about the temples and he had a thick mustache and full sideburns; he was also dressed as if he was from a big city.

"Well, it's not I," the dark-haired man said in a rich, deep voice.

Joe cocked his head and a grin spread across his face. "Adam! Adam, what the hell are you doing here?" Joe moved toward Adam who grabbed one of Joe's outstretched arms and pulled him to him. Adam held his younger brother in a warm embrace and was amazed at the flood of emotion he felt, not just from seeing his brother but also from seeing his brother so lost.

After regaining his composure, Adam stepped back, the two brothers still holding on to each other and Adam looked at Joe. "I came home to see you—to wipe your nose and keep you honest."

Joe placed a hand on Adam's face, slowly moving it over Adam's features. "What's this?"

"Well, my hair's thinning a bit on top so I'm making up for it by growing some on my upper lip. You should see me, Joe; I impress all those big northern businessmen—they actually believe that I know what I'm doing when I submit some plans because I wear an expensive suit and a bowler and one of these sissy ties—no bolos or string ties anymore. Only the most fashionable clothes for me now. Hell, I don't even have the duds to ride a horse or round-up cows."

Joe laughed. "Wish I could see you, older brother."

"Well, if you could see yourself in a mirror, you'd know how badly you need a haircut!" Adam ruffled Joe's hair—just as he had when Joe was a small boy and looking for comfort from oldest brother. "Just like an overgrown sheepdog."

Joe felt relief that Adam was home; Adam had always been the stable, older brother and although they had often argued—at least Joe had, Adam being too rational to waste "logic" on a mere child-Adam always knew the balance between sympathy and indifference.

"Joe," Ben said, "you and Adam can visit later but there's someone else here I want you to meet-Miss Dobbs. She's come from The San Francisco School for the Blind. She's here to teach you how to….how to manage."

Adam stepped back and he and Hoss watched while a nervous Joe tried to talk his way out of having a teacher and having to face the fact that he needed one.

All his life, Joe had been the darling and he knew it and had often used it to his advantage. As far as his mother had been concerned, Joseph could do no wrong. Joe was "mon petit," her "petit chou" and Ben spoiled Joe as well, cooing over the beautiful child with his round, plump face and good nature. Joe was the child of his later years, thirteen years younger than Adam who was cautious about this newest member of his family. And Hoss was caught in between. When Joe was an infant and lying in his little cradle, Hoss would sneak in and bend over it and kiss his baby brother on his forehead. And it was Hoss who started calling him "Little Joe."

It had been only a week after Joe was born and Marie, his mother, had been calling him Jojo. She was rocking the baby and humming to him and Hoss stood at the doorway to the small room and looked in.

"Hoss," Marie said, smiling, "entrez, come in. Come see your baby brother."

Hoss walked over and stood by Marie. She pulled the blanket from around the serene face of Joseph so that Hoss could better see him. "He's so tiny, ain't he?" Hoss said. " Momma, how come you call him Jojo? Ain't his name Joseph?"

"Yes, Hoss. But he is still such a little thing and his name is so big that Jojo seems to fit him better right now. As he grows bigger, then so will his name."

Hoss thought on it a bit. "Would it be all right if I call him Little Joe? He's littler 'n me."

"Why I think that would be very nice, Hoss. Then you have a special name for your brother as I have a special name for my new son."

"Momma, if you had borned me, what would you have named me?"

"Well, I think you already have a wonderful name that your mother gave you-Eric. It's a strong name, a Viking warrior name. Did you know that?"

"No," Hoss said, his blue eyes wide open in wonder. "A warrior? What's a Viking?"

"They were a group of very proud and strong people who explored the world. But if I remember what your father told me, it was Adam who named you Hoss, right?"

"Yes, ma'am. It was Adam who named me Hoss—he promised my uncle Gunnar. That's what Pa told me."

"Adam named his baby brother and you have named yours. We will call him Little Joe." And just then, Joe had stretched his small arms, his fists shaking and opened his eyes and looked straight into the loving, clear, blue eyes of his older brother, Hoss. And Hoss loved Little Joe.

So as Joe grew, he became more beautiful and he found that with his charming smile and a wink, he could win over just about anyone, especially if it was a female—of any age. And Joe's quick mind provided his nimble tongue with the words he needed to talk his way out of just about every situation and what he couldn't handle on his own, Hoss or Adam handled. Hoss was Joe's line of defense against any of the boys who teased him because his thick curls that almost fell in short ringlets made him too pretty. But Joe quickly showed them how he could fight; after all, he had wrestled with Hoss often enough and even though he always lost against Hoss, he learned. And Adam had taught him a few defensive moves as well, how to detect his opponent's weakness and use it to his own advantage. But Joe couldn't remain as clear-headed as Adam could when in a situation that angered him so he did come home from school with a few black eyes and Adam would say, "What did I tell you! Always protect your face while you're jabbing."

And if he was in trouble at school, Adam intervened, stepping in so that their father wouldn't have to know that Joe had failed a test or fought at recess or kissed a girl. Adam would promise the teacher that Joe would be punished, and he was. All the way home, Joe had to listen to a lecture from Adam about manners and proper decorum. Then Adam would make him memorize a biblical passage or a piece from Shakespeare that was appropriate to the crime. But the one quote that Joe remembered the most was when he was about 14 and asked Adam about kissing. Specifically, he wanted to know if kissing a girl meant that he had to marry her because Lisa Rainey had said that it was—that kissing meant that a woman was ruined since a man had enjoyed her "charms." Adam had given him a lop-sided grin and quoted Shakespeare:

"Were kisses all the joys in bed,  
One woman would another wed."

Joe was stumped for a moment by the quote-and then he smiled and then he laughed. And then he thanked Adam. Lisa Rainey wasn't going to pull one over on him—and now he could kiss all the girls he wanted guilt-free.

And so Hoss and Adam wondered how Joe was going to talk this woman into leaving and convince her that she was unnecessary, wondered if his tried and true charms could convince her to go. And neither brother was going to step in and rescue him from what he needed but didn't want.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

A guest reviewer whose review has not yet shown (It takes two to three days for a guest review to show; I think the administration wants to be sure it's not from a spambot since guests doesn't have to go through the security process) said that they pictured Adam looking as PR did in the Lancer episode "Welcome to Genesis." That is exactly how I picture him in the scenes where he has the beard and sideburns.

Joe, despite his refusals for Miss Dobbs' offer to teach him how to function, did not convince anyone, especially those who knew and loved him that he was going to be all right. Adam told Joe that Hop Sing was making a special cake for Adam's homecoming and for Miss Dobbs and that Joe certainly couldn't turn her away without dinner. Joe agreed that it would be rude to do so and Joe said that he hoped that Miss Dobbs didn't think that he meant that she should leave immediately. Actually, he offered, she might want to stay a day or two to rest up since she had come by coach and he himself knew how unpleasant a stage ride from California could be.

So before dinner, the brothers and Ben sat in the great room; Miss Dobbs had earlier gone to her room. She claimed to be tired and wanted to lie down for a bit and Joe was glad. Miss Dobbs made him nervous and uncomfortable and he wasn't sure why. But there was something about her movements that was different than everyone else's but he just chalked it up to her being a stranger and Joe knew that all five—especially now that Adam was here, were intimidating to outsiders. Joe had heard his family referred to as a "clan" and he realized that they were. There was a bond between them that remained stable and strong in the face of adversity and pain and never changed; it was almost as if Adam had never left and as if Jamie had always been there. But Joe really wished that he could see what Adam looked like with his moustache and fancy clothes. And he wanted desperately to talk to Adam alone, to share his pain and misery with his oldest brother.

Although Joe and Hoss had always eschewed books and plays and poetry and teased and insulted Adam about his penchant for words, they both knew that Adam's foray into that world gave him insight into emotions that they lacked the words to express just as Jamie had lacked the words to describe the world around them. But Adam would understand, would be able to be his sounding board and wouldn't think he was a coward. Adam would know he was afraid and Joe wouldn't have to put up a front. So Joe sat in on the conversation and although he couldn't see them, he knew that Adam was watching him even as he conversed and that he and Hoss were probably exchanging knowing glances—both about him and their father.

Jamie was in awe of his oldest brother, Adam. He had heard from Hoss and Joe about Adam, how he had gone to college in the east and was now an architect in Baltimore. Adam had sent his family photographs of his first building and then, every time another was erected, Adam would send a picture with the accompanying letter. Ben kept them in a special drawer, the photos and the letters, and Joe and Hoss would sometimes see their father rereading them or looking at the pictures, especially the one with Adam and his partner standing in front of the hotel they had designed.

So as Adam relaxed in his chair, the chair that Joe and Hoss had always acknowledged was oldest brother's, he talked to Jamie who sat on the low table and asked Adam many questions.

"I don't think we've ever had a red-headed Cartwright before," Adam said. "but I guess there's always a first time and it's not as if a resemblance to one another makes a Cartwright—it's deeper than that and it's inside a person."

Jamie grinned at the attention, basked in the glow of being the topic at hand. He asked Adam about Baltimore and Boston and about college. Jamie admitted that he had no particular interest in school but he had often wondered what it took to be a doctor.

"A lot more than what I learned," Adam said. "But if you find it's something you want, then you should do it. If Pa could afford to send me to school back when we were just building up this place, then he can send you and if you want, when the time comes, there's a medical school in Baltimore, the University of Maryland, and you can come stay with me if you decide to follow through. Joe and Hoss always said that I was as bad as Pa when it came to things like making them walk the straight and narrow path so I'm sure that Pa would entrust you to me."

"Long as you don't try to teach him 'bout women," Hoss said.

"Now what do you mean by that?" Adam asked.

"Jamie, there's somethin' you gotta know 'bout old Adam here—he's irresistible to women. They always come to him so's he don't know anything 'bout having to run after them—just 'bout running away from them and notice that he still don't have no ring through his nose—or on his finger..."

And Joe who was listening, laughed. Adam rolled his eyes and Jamie, left out of the joke, looked around at his brothers' faces. This was twice in one day that he had heard about pranks and jokes that happened before he was around.

"That's enough," Adam said. "Jamie here is going to want out of this family after tonight if you keep on."

And they laughed again and Ben said that there was no breaking the Cartwright contract. And for a moment, even though Joe chastised himself and knew he was being foolish and was far too old for such a thing, he felt jealous of Jamie. He had always been the youngest, the petted darling and now here was Adam offering to let Jamie stay with oldest brother in Baltimore. "You're being a fool," Joe told himself and tried to tamp down his emotions but he resented Jamie; he loved Jamie but felt displaced by him and Joe wondered if Hoss or Adam had ever felt that way about him when he came into existence as the baby of the family.

When Hop Sing called for dinner, Miss Dobbs must have heard because before Ben could knock on her door, she came out and Ben, under the pretense of being a gentleman, offered her his arm which she graciously accepted.

The dinner conversation was light, mainly about the manner of conveyance that both Miss Dobbs and Adam took. Miss Dobbs had taken the stage line out to Virginia City where she had hired a driver to bring her out. And now that it looked as if she would not be staying, she dreaded a return visit so soon. Therefore, she would accept Joe's previous invitation and willingly stay a day or two more before returning.

Adam talked about his train ride, switching trains once to make it out to Reno where he disembarked and then had to put down a deposit as well as a payment to rent a buggy and horse; he would have his deposit returned when he returned the "merchandise." But Adam noticed the look on his father's face so Adam quickly added that he planned to stay at least two to three weeks and tomorrow, he needed to ride into town to send two telegrams. Adam had been reminded of Mary when Hoss had teased him about women, but he had no idea what he would say to her as he realized that he didn't particularly miss Mary, as sad as that might be. Adam supposed he wasn't in love after all.

After dinner, Miss Dobbs asked Joe if she could speak with him; she wanted to be able to at least give him a few tips on managing since she was already there. And she told Ben that there would be no charge and they all politely laughed. All except Joe. There was something unusual going on and since his blindness, he had become more aware of the tone of voices and what was left unspoken. To his family, Joe appeared nervous and they noticed the tightness around his mouth and the firmness of his jaw. They had seen that look so many times before and as a child, they always teased Joe about his "angry face." Hoss had pouted when he was younger and Adam always became dark but Joe always looked as if he was frightened—frightened of the strong emotions taking over his rationality. Even as a young boy Joe became angry quickly but Hoss and Adam always just laughed it off and then Joe would become even angrier. And his father feared Joe's anger even more than Joe did. "That temper of his will be his undoing," Ben had told Roy Coffee once after putting down a dollar to pay Joe's fine and have him released from the cell where he had been locked up for a fight. And Ben was always frustrated with Joe because Joe never felt he was wrong; in his mind, he had always been pushed to it and there was no other way out but with his fists—or Ben's biggest fear—with a gun.

So Hoss and Jamie went up to bed, both having an early day waiting and Ben asked Adam to sit on the porch with him and they all left Joe and Miss Dobbs alone.

"I'm sorry that you feel you don't need a teacher, Joseph," Miss Dobbs said, "because I…well, I hate to sound pathetic and sad but I have to earn my own way in this world and there really hasn't been much work lately. Oh, it's not that I'm a bad teacher, it's just that there are so many of us at the school that I looked forward to being able to see a new place and teach an adult. I do love to travel so."

"I'm sorry, Miss Dobbs. I told my father that I didn't need a teacher but my Pa, well, he does love his sons but he tends to overreact and this is one of those times. Like calling my brother Adam home, not that I'm not glad to see Adam—used that word didn't I? See. Actually, I'm glad Adam's home, but it wasn't necessary. Adam is an architect and he has a firm in Baltimore so he left his work and for what? Just to see me stumble about a while before my sight returns?"

"I'm sure your brother came to see you and offer his support. I think your family loves you greatly, Joseph. You're a lucky man. And that's why, despite your protestations, your father sent for a teacher. He wants what's best for you. But my staying is now moot. Would you refill my coffee cup, please?"

Joe's mouth became tight again. "You forget who you're talking to, Miss Dobbs. I'm blind or did you not notice?"

"I didn't forget that you're blind but I did assume that you knew how to pour a cup of coffee. I can show you how to if you like?"

"Kind of like a magic trick," Joe said sarcastically. "Amaze and astound your friends and family—pour a cup of coffee!"

"Would you like me to show you or not? Just say yes or no, Joseph."

"Sure, why not." And Miss Dobbs showed Joe how to place one finger slightly within the cup and to pour until the coffee touched his finger. Joe quickly pulled away his finger with a slight yelp and they both laughed when Joe commented on how the hot coffee certainly let a man know the cup was full. But he added that people wouldn't want his finger stuck in their coffee—something a little unsavory about that.

Then Miss Dobbs told him how to tell by the sound of the coffee in the cup. She explained that Joe must find a stillness within and listen. "The sound changes as the coffee fills the cup. Try it, Joseph. The sound will practically disappear but just before it does, stop pouring."

Joe did as she said and he smiled, beaming when he succeeded. "That's really helpful," Joe said. "Thank you, Miss Dobbs and if you wouldn't mind, since you're going to be here for a few more day and you could use the money, I'd like a few lessons—just the basic things until my sight comes back. Would you mind?"

"No, Joseph, I wouldn't mind at all. You would be doing me a kindness. Now, let me teach you how to navigate the great room and tomorrow, with Hop Sing's permission, I'll teach you how to get around the kitchen. Why I can even teach you how to cook an egg but the stove is a tricky beast—it'll bite you!"

And Joe grinned. Somehow, with all his family here and with now knowing how to pour himself and anyone else a cup of coffee, he felt things were a bit more normal. But there was something odd about Miss Dobbs, he sensed. He'd have to ask Adam about her. There was just something.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Adam and his father sat on the porch of the ranch house that Adam loved so much; flesh of my flesh was the way he thought of it as he had put so much of himself into designing it. And he conceded long ago that his father had chosen the right place for it. The house sat protected by the trees around it but they had to work hard to keep nature from reclaiming the cleared area on which the house stood. It was situated not far from the open pastures where their cattle ranged nor was it far from a water source; it seemed that wherever they dropped for a well, water rose to the surface.

The house that was already standing on the property when Ben bought his first ten acres was small and in the winter, it was hard to heat. Ben and Adam, Hoss next to him, slept on blankets in front of the small fireplace. After Hop Sing joined them and watched Hoss during the day, Ben could run more trap lines and he and a ranch hand who hired on, would gather and clean the pelts, eventually teaching Adam how to do it. Then Ben could focus on the small herd of beeves he owned, working to build them up by introducing new breeding stock. Will Regan signed on and he gave Ben advice on breeds of cattle and what were good prices. More hands hired on and they had to expand the bunkhouse. Ben, who was actually a greenhorn when he first settled, learned rapidly and he purchased more and more property. And the small house grew. But Ben wanted something better for his growing sons so he chose a piece of property and he and Hop Sing and the hands built a large room with a magnificent fireplace; Ben and Adam had gone down to the river and found stones for their fireplace and it became the heart and center of the house that became, through metonymy, to be called "The Ponderosa" even though the name actually referred to the whole ranch, to the hundreds of acres.

And as their wealth and property grew, so did the house. Ben married again and the new wife, Marie, Joe's mother, added her feminine touches to the place but the house really didn't reach its grandeur until Adam came home from college and drew up the plans to expand the house out into the yard both front and back.

Sitting on the long porch that practically ran the length of the whole house, Adam was amazed at how peaceful and still everything was. In the city of Baltimore, there was always noise; people shouting, dogs barking and wagons going down the cobbled streets. Adam had become inured to the variety of noises but this was like a serene prayer, almost a form of meditation listening to the night crickets and every so often, hearing an owl's hoot or a wolf's howl in the distance.

"I had forgotten how peaceful it is out here," Adam said. "I missed it and didn't realize it. In Baltimore, there are always sounds, clattering and so many people. When walking to work in the morning, I can hear milk cans and trash bins rattling, babies crying and people calling and yelling to one another. The spring and summer are the worst because all their windows are open and walking home in the evening, I can hear wives screaming at husbands and husbands bellowing back while children run up and down the back streets playing."

Ben smiled and sat back in the wooden rocking chair. He sighed with contentment; his eldest was home, Hoss and Jamie were safely ensconced upstairs, their bellies were full of Hop Sing's cooking and perhaps, Joe may even agree to receive the help he needed.

"So, you're glad that you're out here with us clodhoppers then?"

Adam laughed. "I am, Pa. I am. But there are trade-offs. Back in Baltimore, I actually have gaslights—the inner part of the city all has gaslight-and the newspaper and milk, butter and cream are delivered to my doorstep every morning. Ice is delivered too. I have an inside water closet—no more freezing my ass off in the winter- and I'm doing work I love. And it changes, Pa—there are always challenges and more to consider in design now. Every new building, whether it's a home, a hotel or a high-rise, they all have to be connected to the city's infrastructure and connected properly. About a month ago, a new building exploded and three workmen were killed; apparently there was a leaky gas connection, someone struck a match to smoke and it exploded."

"I'm glad you find satisfaction in your work, Adam. I guess that education of yours is paying off. So other than all that, how about love? You hinted in one letter about a young woman you were seeing."

"Oh, Mary."

"Yes, that was her name."

"I have to wire her tomorrow and apologize for not saying goodbye before I took off for home. I barely think about her now that I'm away." Adam suddenly felt uncomfortable; Mary made him feel guilty. "I guess that's not love."

Ben chuckled and so did Adam. "I'd have to agree with you on that one. Joe was courting a girl named Sally—Sally Morris. And now, well, she's come by twice and he won't see her. Joe had even talked about marriage but now he won't even talk about Sally except to say that he won't talk about her which is telling enough. Joe won't even entertain the thought of going into town. He strays in the house to avoid the hands, every one of them. The only time he'll leave the house is when Jamie takes him for a ride to an isolated spot and that's only when everyone else is out on the property. He says that he doesn't want to be on display."

"You have to admit, Pa, that people would stare and Joe would know they were. Everyone would feel awkward around him and Joe would sense it. But eventually he'll have to come around. I'll talk to him. Maybe he'll go into town with Hoss and me."

There was a pause and then Ben said, "I didn't expect you to come home, son, but I'm glad you're here."

"Well, after Hoss sent the wire, I didn't even think about it—I just came home. I couldn't get here fast enough."

"It's funny," Ben said with a heavy sigh, "but having you here, well, I feel as if I'm not alone facing all this. Actually, you've been better at talking sense into Joe all these years than I have." And Ben remembered when he had asked Adam to talk to Joe when he was going to face down Doc Holiday and Adam's reply: "He's your son; you talk to him." But Adam always came through just as he had now. And Ben, for some odd reason that he didn't quite understand, felt his strength renewed, as if Adam was going to bring up the flank and together, the two of them would be invincible.

Both Ben and Adam looked out into the night; it was easier to talk side by side instead if face to face. "I'm glad you feel that way, Pa. I imagine it's been hard seeing Joe like this but I think that eventually, he'll accept help. You know how Joe is—it has to be his idea and in his own time. But I still don't know about not telling Joe Miss Dobbs is blind."

"I questioned it as well but I figured that Miss Dobbs knew what she was doing. After all, she is the teacher."

"I suppose," Adam said, "but…I guess that I'm just thinking of how I would react. And, Pa," Adam said, turning to look at his father who also turned to look at him, "I'm glad that I was told about this, that you and Hoss didn't think that I was too busy to be informed. I find myself thinking about coming back home all the time. There's just something about the air out here. There's a type of freshness—breathes life into a person. Or maybe it's just the stink of horse and cow dung and unwashed cowhands." And the father and son laughed and Ben felt at ease with his son.

When Adam and Ben walked into the house, Miss Dobbs had a chart flat on the table in front of them and Joe, sitting beside her, was running the pads of his first two fingers over what at a distance, looked like a blank page. Joe turned his face to the door.

"Pa, Adam, come look. I'm having to learn my alphabet all over again and I'm just as bad at it this time as I was the first."

Adam stood behind Joe, looking over his shoulder. "Oh, braille. I heard about that but had never actually seen it. Aren't there instruments so that a person can write braille as well as read it? Some kind of stylus?"

"Yes. You're familiar with it, then?" Miss Dobbs asked.

"I just know that braille was based on military code that could be read in the dark of night just by feeling out the letters, kind of a tactile Morse code."

"Miss Dobbs," Joe said, "my brother Adam here thinks he knows it all but that's only because he does."

Adam put his hand on Joe's shoulder. "It was worth coming all this way just to hear you admit that I'm always right and know everything. Now I'm going to bed." Adam turned away as his father and Miss Dobbs wished him goodnight.

"Wait," Joe called out. "I'm going to hit the hay too."

"Well, hurry up then. You think all I have to do is wait on you."

Joe stood up, smiling. He knew that Adam was smiling as well and he also knew that his father was smiling at seeing the old banter revived between his eldest and his youngest. It seemed to Ben that with Adam home, the old status quo had been reestablished and Ben forgot Jamie's place but tonight, Ben felt as if it were eight years ago and that Adam had never left—and Joe was sighted again.

"Joe," Adam said, "you'll have to tell me of your exploits while I've been gone and how many broken hearts you've left behind you." But Adam walked louder and more slowly than he normally would so that Joe could follow behind, listening for the sound of Adam's boot on each step as they ascended. And Joe, as usual, followed oldest brother's lead to safety.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

"Want to sit a minute?"  
Joe asked Adam.

"Sure." Adam stepped into Joe's room and he noticed that the small items and  
anything breakable had been removed but that the mirror was still on the wall  
despite the overt irony of its existence, and a small lamp sat on a table by the  
door. Adam lit it, finding matches in the table's drawer.

"It's funny," Joe said, "but Miss Dobbs told me to use my other senses to know  
the world and I can tell she was right. Just hearing the sounds of the glass  
chimney against the metal and the smell of the sulfur and the sound of the  
match being struck, well, I knew you were lighting the lamp." Joe sat on the  
bed and Adam took the chair next to it. "She told me to just find a stillness  
within myself, to eliminate other things and focus."

"Very Zen-like; a form of detachment from the world. Sounds as if it's a good  
thing she's here. I hope you agree to let her teach you what she can."

"So you think I need a teacher?" Joe listened carefully, If Adam had a sharp  
intake of breath or if his voice, was even the least querulous, he would know  
that despite what Adam might say, he wouldn't mean it.

"Boy, you've always needed a teacher—and Hoss needs a keeper."

"What about you, Adam? What do you need?"

"Me? I need a good lay." The two brothers laughed but then Adam continued. "We  
all need a teacher at some time and I'm not talking about grammar school but  
the right teacher comes at the right time. When the student is ready, the  
master will appear."

"Sounds like one of your famous quotes. Are you going to make me memorize it  
like you used to whenever you bailed my ass out of trouble?"

Adam laughed. He looked at Joe and knew that Joe was waiting for something, his  
eyes searching for nothing and yet for everything, so Adam said it. "How do you  
feel about maybe being blind for the rest of your life?"

Joe's breathing stepped up. He tried not to cry but facing the truth was hard  
and he had tried to avoid thinking about it although it was always like a stone  
in the back of his head, pressing on his thoughts.

"You're the first one to ask me that. Everyone else, even Doctor Martin says  
that my sight might come back but what if it doesn't, Adam? What if I'll be  
blind forever? I don't want to even think about it but I can't think of  
anything else and I don't know if life as a blind man is even worth living."

"There are worse things than being blind," Adam said, "and life is always worth  
living."

"So that's the only comfort you can give me?"

"I don't think I can give you any comfort at all except to tell you that no one  
is going to desert you. All that I can do is agree with you that what happened  
is a shitty piece of luck and if you want to know how I think you should face  
it, it's like this: be ready for never having your sight return and prepare for  
it. Then, if it never comes back, you'll be able to survive and if it does come  
back, consider yourself blessed. But that doesn't mean that you won't have that  
fear that grips your bowels and twists them until you think you're going to  
scream. And it doesn't mean that you won't grieve for the loss of light in your  
days or that you won't wake up gasping in the middle of the night because you  
had a dream about some faceless beast swallowing you whole in the dark. I know  
that fear, Joe—that regret that you never appreciated what you had so listen to  
me-appreciate what you have now."

"What do I have, Adam. Tell me. You tell me!"

"You have us and because of that, you'll never have to face anything alone."

Joe fell onto his bed and covered his face with his arm. He felt the bed sink  
and Adam's hand on his shoulder.

"Joe, I should be saying that it'll be all right but I don't know about any of  
that and I can't lie to you about it. But…you could come back to Baltimore with  
me? Pa said that you won't go into town, that you don't want to face people who  
know you, who'll pity you and that I understand. Pity is poisonous, but if you  
come back to Baltimore, no one will know you as anything else. And just maybe,  
eventually, you'll be the man who had been blind once but who miraculously  
regained his sight."

Joe sat up and rubbed his face. "You've been to Chinatown with Hop Sing before,  
right? I used to go with him all the time when I was a kid."

"Yeah, I went with him lots of times. Why?"

"Do you remember the Chinese saying that Hop Sing would end the transaction  
with if he got a good price on something?" Adam nodded and then realized that  
Joe couldn't see him and said 'yes' aloud. "I asked him what it meant once and  
he said it was, 'May you do business with the blind'. Well, that sums it up  
doesn't it, Adam? I'm a victim just waiting to be pounced on."

"I imagine you do feel helpless."

"Helpless? That doesn't even sum it up. I don't even know when to finish wiping  
my ass. How do I know that there's not a wad of snot hanging out my nose or  
food between my teeth. I'm afraid that I'll accidentally cut my throat shaving  
so Hoss shaves me. And I never really know if I'm alone. I'm always thinking  
that someone is watching me? I can't even scratch my ass 'cause I don't know if  
someone else is there. I can't ride, I can't rope—I'm useless around here."

A silence fell and Joe waited. Then he heard Adam's deep voice. "Pa, told me  
about Sally Morris."

"I figured that you two were talking about me."

"Same old, self-centered Little Joe. Actually, we were talking about me—your  
name just happened to come up in conversation."

Joe could tell by Adam's voice that he was grinning, teasing Joe, so Joe smiled  
and then he remembered that they were talking about Sally Morris. "I had been  
thinking about marrying Sally but now, well, I wouldn't make a very good  
husband-an excellent blind man, yes—but not a good husband. Besides, I don't  
think Sally would want me anymore. Blindness is sort of a deal breaker for  
marriage, if you know what I mean. That and being gelded."

Adam chuckled. "When Pa told me about Sally, well, I couldn't help but think of  
Tessa Caldwell. I remember that we were all afraid that you were marrying her  
out of guilt and it turns out you were. So do you think, remembering how you  
felt, that Sally would feel that way about you? That if she does continue with  
you, it would be out of guilt?"

Joe sat silent and then he quietly answered, "Yes."

"Maybe it would be because she loves you?"

"No, I don't think so," Joe replied. "If I had always been blind, then it would  
be different but I'm not the man she fell in love with."

"Inside you are."

Joe laughed again. "Maybe so, but I don't even know if that's true anymore. But  
there is one positive thing about not being able to see, as Hoss said."

"Oh? What's that?"

"I don't have to worry what a whore looks like anymore because it won't  
matter."

And Adam chuckled. Joe felt the bed rise again and he knew Adam had stood up.  
"Hoss is right about that at least-the way people look doesn't matter  
anymore. Tell you what-I have to go into Virginia City tomorrow. Why don't you  
come with me and Hoss? We'll run interference for you."

Joe felt the full horror of what Adam proposed. He wasn't ready to appear in  
front of the townspeople but now he had a ready excuse. "No, I can't go. Miss  
Dobbs promised to teach me about the stairs and how to find my way around. I  
said I would be here."

"Okay. We'll do it another time. Now I think I'll turn in—we old people need  
our rest."

"G'night, Adam. And thanks for listening."

"No problem. You were so boring that you made me drowsy."

The two brothers laughed but then Joe quickly stopped. He remembered that he  
wanted to ask Adam about Miss Dobbs.

"Adam, one more thing—Miss Dobbs. There's something odd about her. I can't  
quite put my finger on it. She's different somehow. What is it?"

Adam paused. He wanted to tell Joe, _she's blind—as blind as you_, but he  
didn't. Instead, he said, "I just think that you haven't been around a woman  
for so long that you forget that they're different than men and you need to  
remember how teachers are—bossy and opinionated."

"Oh, just like you are." Joe grinned as Adam reached out and mussed his hair, a  
gesture from when Joe was small and it expressed Adam's love and protectiveness  
for his baby brother.

"Better to be schooled by a pretty woman than by me."

"Is she pretty? I mean, she seems older and all. I never thought if she was  
pretty or not. Maybe I'm making progress, not thinking about the way a woman  
looks."

"She's a handsome woman," Adam answered. And that was the truth.

"Think Pa likes her? Maybe we have a budding romance."

Adam laughed. "I think Pa has other things on his mind—but you know Pa-the  
women love him." Joe chuckled remembering the women who had come and gone in  
his father's life after his mother.

"Well," Adam continued, "this bossy, opinionated, older brother is telling you  
to get some shut-eye."

"My eyes are always shut, Adam. Always."

And Adam paused and looked back at Joe one last time before he closed the door  
and Joe fell back onto the bed.

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

Over the next few days, Miss Dobbs showed Joe how to maneuver around a room, how to familiarize himself with strange surroundings; she told him to hold a bent arm protectively over his face and Hoss made a comment that Joe should have learned to do that years ago—it would have saved him many black eyes and Jamie and Adam laughed. Joe even smiled. He was more comfortable in the house now that Miss Dobbs had told him about pacing off a room and to remember how many steps it took to reach certain things. But the most dangerous things, Joe found, were the rugs on the floor.

Joe, being wary, initially didn't pick his feet up high enough and tripped over rugs twice, once falling against the settee and the next time, tripping in the upstairs hallway. Ben wanted to pick up the runner but Miss Dobbs asked him not to; he couldn't keep danger out of Joe's path. Joe, she said, needed to learn to live in the world as it was, not modified for him. But Adam differed.

"If a person is in a wheelchair, a whole house is often modified with ramps and wider doorways so why not with a blind person? I saw you get caught up in a carpet's edge yesterday. Even Joe noticed; he asked you if you were all right, remember?"

"Adam…" Ben said. It made him uncomfortable to have Adam disagree with Miss Dobbs' strategies.

"No, please, Mr. Cartwright," Miss Dobbs said. "I'm interested in what Adam has to say; Joseph thinks highly of his opinion so I feel that I should consider it. But anyone can trip, Adam, and I still believe that a blind person can do almost everything a sighted person can and I hope to convince Joseph of that—especially when I tell him that I'm blind too."

"And when will that be?" Adam asked. Hoss, sitting on the settee, cleared his throat. Adam was often too blunt for his comfort. "How long are you going to carry on this façade. Joe is already suspicious about you and I had to—not lie but dance around the truth when he asked me about you. I don't like having to do that. Not that this is about me. I know that you've helped Joe and I am grateful. Very grateful and I admire your ability to teach him but when will you do the great reveal?

Ben sat on edge. Adam didn't dislike Miss Dobbs, that Ben knew, but he also knew that Adam disagreed with this one part of her teachings.

"When I sense that it's the right time." Miss Dobbs said.

"All right, Miss Dobbs. You're in charge of him for the time. Can Joe play hooky this afternoon?"

"I think that would be nice. It would do him good to have a break but he is so eager to learn more and more. But take him for this afternoon."

The four people in the great room turned at a sound and it was Joe coming down the stairs as Miss Dobbs had taught him, fitting the outer heel of his boot against the stair so that his foot landed flat on the step.

"Well, speak of the devil and you'll see his tail," Adam said.

"You must have been talking about me. Good or bad?" Joe continued down the stairs, his concentration intact.

Both Adam and Hoss stood up. "Come grab your hat, Joe. Hoss and I are taking you riding."

At that, Joe stopped. "I told you I don't want to go to town."

"We ain't goin' to town," Hoss said. "I swear, Little Joe, you got just one thing on your mind. Adam and me's gonna take you out in the countryside and leave you and see iffen you can find your way home. If after a week you never show up, I get $10.00 off Adam here. He thinks you're smarter than you are. I think he's just been away too long and done forget what you're really like."

Ben smiled at that and Joe grinned as well and finished coming down the stairs. But Miss Dobbs looked confused; she didn't understand how this family of men, in saying unkind things to one another could actually be expressing their love and devotion to one another.

Joe picked up his hat from the hat rack, knowing by shape of the brim and the band around it that it was his. He paused at the front door, feeling ahead and knew it was open because he smelled the outdoors.

"C'mon, Joe," Hoss said. "We got the horses saddled and waiting."

"Horse? I thought we'd ride in the buckboard."

"No buckboard," Adam said. "I didn't saddle Cooch; he'd be too excited and want to take off with you and as funny as that might be, we figured it might upset Pa. I saddled Maisie. I'm riding Comanche. They stall next to each other so wherever I go on Comanche, Maisie will follow. Now mount up."

Joe stood, undecided. He was scared, scared sick. But he also knew that he had to mount the horse and ride off—he couldn't back out. He could hear that Adam and Hoss were already on their horses, the creaking of leather as they had mounted, waiting for him, daring him and probably looking at one another and wondering if he was yet ready for the challenge.

"Maisie, huh? You saddled me the tamest nag we have. Okay, fine. Let me get on." Joe moved toward the horse which stepped slightly away from Joe's outstretched arm but finally, Joe touched the saddle. "Whoa, girl," Joe said and untying the horse, Joe gathered the reins and then, after pausing for just a moment, considering his action, Joe did a swing mount onto the horse and pulled back the reins as the horse started to move forward.

Joe was terrified but wouldn't show it. Despite the fact that Joe was pretty sure that both Hoss and Adam knew that he was afraid, he put on a brave face.

"Check the cinch, boy," Adam said. "I don't want to have to pick you up out of the dirt. You have on some nice, new, pretty clothes."

"Yeah," Hoss said. "What you think, Adam? You like that shirt Pa got him with those pink flowers on it? Wouldn't want to get that dirty. And those fancy trousers with the lace runnin' down the sides—I think they're just plumb lovely—kinda like one of them bull-fightin' matador's pants."

"I agree with you, Hoss. Don't get them dirty, Joe—Pa spent a lot of money having them special made for you in Virginia City."

"You two can go to hell," Joe said while his brothers roared at his discomfiture. He did run one hand along the side of his trousers to confirm there was no lace; it hadn't occurred to him that the clothes that were laid out for him every day might just be something he wouldn't normally wear and it would be just like Hoss and Adam to switch out his wardrobe as a joke. So after reaching down and checking the cinch by slipping his hand under it, he listened and when his brothers rode out, Joe turned the horse in that direction and with his stomach in knots, lightly kicked Maisie who took off and Joe prayed she was following Comanche. It was the most frightening experience yet and it took all the faith in his brothers that he could summon to follow through.

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

Joe had no idea where they had stopped but he could hear the sounds as his brothers dismounted and the shuffling of the horse hooves. When Joe released Maisie's reins, he could feel that she had dropped her head and could hear the grass being pulled up as she cropped it.

"C'mon, Joe," Hoss called. "Get down from there."

Joe did. Dismounting was almost as frightening as mounting had been but he managed to steady himself. The ground was uneven and sloped slightly and he could hear the slip of water as it met the shore. They were at a lake but what lake he didn't know. He calculated how long they had ridden and the speed and decided they must be at Lake Tahoe. Joe suddenly stopped when he heard Adam's voice near him.

"Take my arm," Adam said. Joe reached out and held lightly onto Adam's crooked elbow and Adam led him down the gentle slope to the water's edge where Hoss gave him a handful of oval, flat stones.

"What're these for?" Joe asked.

"What do you think?" Hoss said. "Skippin' stones."

And Joe grinned; he had always been good at that. He held the stones in one hand while with the other, he chose one and then, stepping closer to the sound of the water, he shifted the stone in his fingers and bending slightly, sent one flying. He heard a splash.

"Don't just throw it in," Adam said, stepping closer to Joe. "Move closer to the water." Joe took Adam's elbow and Adam led him closer. "Now sit down-there's a boulder behind you, and pull off your boots and roll up the pants' legs."

"You and Hoss haven't done it yet," Joe stated. Joe didn't want to be made a fool if his brothers were planning some kind of joke on him.

"You don't know that," Hoss said.

"Yes, I do because there would have been this overwhelming stench if you'd pulled off your boots and the birds would have fallen out of the trees dead as stones."

Adam laughed and Hoss sputtered. He went over to Joe and scooped him up. "How'd you like a bath now?" Hoss said. "You ain't no rose yourself, you know!"

"Put me down, you big ox!" Joe didn't know if he was afraid of being thrown into the water or not. In a way, it would be pleasant to feel the chilly water surround him and startle his senses.

"What you think Adam? Think I oughta toss little brother here in the lake?"

"I don't know," Adam said. "Personally, you need the bath more than he does."

Hoss stood Joe down and Joe staggered a bit until he stabilized himself. "You think 'cause you're some big city dude now that you can just criticize Joe and me, huh?" What about it, Joe? Think we oughta throw oldest brother in the drink?"

"Now, now, just hold on, you two." Adam backed up and Hoss approached him, Joe holding onto Hoss' belt and following behind, grinning. "We just came out to skip some stones, remember? Just a little fun with no one getting wet—especially me."

"Well now, that's true," Hoss said. "Joe, I guess we'll have to baptize oldest brother later. Now let's take off our boots and get back to skippin' stones."

The three men pulled off their boots and socks and rolled up their pants' legs. Wading into the water, they took turns skipping the rocks and after a few tries, Joe found that his talent for skipping stones came back and by listening carefully, he could tell how many skips he had made, his grandest amount reaching seven skips.

"Dang you, Joe," Hoss said. "Next time, I'm gonna make you find your own stones."

And on the ride home, Joe felt happier than he had in a long time and he also realized that he was relaxed and grinning like a fool, enjoying the sun on his face and the rhythm of the horse's gait and the talk and jokes with his brothers. It was odd, he considered, how when he thought back, that his happiest moments in his life were with his brothers, Adam and Hoss. Others—outsiders-might see them scrapping with one another, arguing and insulting each another but it wasn't like that at all; that behavior just reinforced their bond. The times they had spent hunting together or drinking together—even with the disparity in their ages—were the best times of all as far as Joe was concerned.

Joe thought about the women in his past, including Sally Morris, and how wonderful it had been all those times but those times weren't the same as this exultant joy of being oneself with people who knew what a jackass you could be and still loved you—and always would. That was the one truism in his life and Adam was right and so was Miss Dobbs. Joe knew his family loved him greatly and that he would never be alone in his struggles. Not as long as he had his family.

Dinner was the most cheerful meal they had eaten since Joe lost his sight. Actually, Joe thought, the happiest meal since Adam left. He reveled in oldest brother's snide humor and his deep voice and that night Adam played his guitar and they all sat around and sang. Joe kept time with the tapping of his toe and slapping a hand on his thigh. Jamie sat and watched, amazed. He had never seen anything like this before and even Hop Sing came out and clapped his hands in time to the music, a broad grin on his face, and all the songs were sprightly and happy—no sad songs tonight Ben had said.

"How about a dance, Miss Dobbs?" Joe said. Suddenly everyone went quiet. "I didn't mean with me—why I'd do nothing but step on your feet and I sure can't lead. How 'bout you, Pa? Why don't you take Miss Dobbs for a turn on the floor?"

"Yeah, Pa," Hoss said. "Don't you think so, Adam? Been a long time since Pa went dancin'."

"I think that Pa could do with a little exercise," Adam said looking to Hoss, "but I do have to warn you, Miss Dobbs, my father is quite the light-footed stepper. As old as he is, he can still dance the night away and I've witnessed more than one woman fall madly in love with him after a few spins in his arms."

Ben blushed. "All right, Adam. That'll be enough." Ben looked around the room at the grinning faces.

"You dance, Mistah Ben," Hop Sing said. "Need to work off big dinner."

"I don't need anyone's encouragement to ask a beautiful woman to dance—how about it, Miss Dobbs? Will you do me the honor?"

"I would be delighted." Miss Dobbs smiled gently and put out a hand which Ben gently took in his and when she stood, he slipped one arm around her waist while the others moved back the furniture to give them room.

Adam played "Shady Grove" as he, Hoss and Joe sang the words. They all smiled and laughed while Ben danced with Miss Dobbs who followed the powerful man's lead and Jamie had never seen such fun at the Ponderosa. And Joe couldn't stop grinning; it had been a wonderful day. He was happy—gloriously happy. Adam was right—life was worth living no matter what.

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

It was close to dinner time but Joe wanted to continue with reading the braille. Miss Dobbs, he and Jamie had been sitting on the porch and Joe was becoming ever more adept at reading the lines of raised dots. He considered that it was a type of Morse code as Adam had remarked earlier but instead of a series of dots and dashes, it was the placement of the dots that indicated a letter. Reading it, more like transcribing he thought, was time consuming and exhausting requiring so much concentration, but he wanted to continue to work. So after Miss Dobbs and Jamie went inside, Joe remained alone on the porch, the book open on the table where they played checkers, and continued to read, his finger moving lightly over the page.

Joe felt that his world was now opening. He was making progress with the braille and he found it easier to get around the house—the stairs being no barrier anymore. And the outside world was expanding as well. Joe and Hoss took him out whenever they could or whenever he didn't have a lesson to learn. They took him out to the swimming lake, a smaller lake on the property and shedding their clothes, Joe and his brothers went swimming. One Saturday since there was no school, Jamie had joined them and Joe had even won the swimming race between the four of them. Joe accused them of letting him win but Adam had remarked that it would be the day when they let Joe slide by on anything.

Navigating the chilly water of the lake was easier that the house. Since it was the swimming lake and not Lake Tahoe, there were no huge boulders rising from the water like a breaching leviathan, so Joe could swim with ease and he enjoyed the leisurely exercise. His brothers helped him keep his bearings by calling out to him and stating in which direction they were. But most of all, Joe just liked to float on his back, the water supporting him and the sun warming him. Ben had even commented on the color in Joe's face and Hoss said that Joe wasn't as pink and pale as a newborn piglet anymore—but still smelled like one. And Joe said that Hoss still ate like a boar.

But this early evening, Joe continued reading. The smells from the open kitchen door drifted out and made Joe's stomach churn with hunger. Then he heard a buggy in the distance and it came closer. Joe considered going in the house and telling someone, anyone to go out to meet the company, but it occurred to him that Doctor Martin was supposed to visit today, at least Joe thought so, and it must be he. After all, who else would be riding out to the Ponderosa at this time of day. The doctor must have been held up with another patient and was late. So Joe turned his head and smiled at whoever pulled up in the yard. But as soon as he heard the light footsteps, Joe recognized his mistake.

"Hello, Joe. I hope you don't mind that I came by." It was Sally Morris. She hadn't seen Joe since before the accident when he was  
still courting her, riding up on his flashy pinto and giving her his happiest smile. Sally's hopes were high that Joe was going to ask her to marry him but since his accident, his blinding, he hadn't contacted her so she took it upon herself to see him; she missed Joe and she still cared for him.

"Of course, not, Sally." Joe put his hand up to the side of his face, trying to shield his face and hide the fact that he would just be staring vaguely in her direction, listening for sounds to indicate where she was. "It's good to see you. That's a pretty dress you have on. Is it new?"

"Joe, you've seen this dress a hundred times." Sally considered whether or not Joe was completely blind as she had heard because he seemed to be normal.

"Well, you know how men are? We don't notice what a pretty girl is wearing if she looks as beautiful as you always do."

Sally grinned. "Typical man. I brought you a present." Sally stepped up onto the porch and placed it on the table.

Joe heard the sound of something heavy being placed before him. Then he remembered the open braille book and slammed it shut. Sally probably wouldn't have known what it was but he didn't want to take that chance.

"Well, thank you, Sally, but you didn't have to bring me anything."

"It's a get well gift. I miss you, Joe."

"Oh, c'mon, Sally-a girl as pretty as you? Bet you have a hundred suitors since I had my little accident. But let me open the present which you shouldn't have brought me." Joe reached for the gift and then he realized that it had no wrapping—it was a Mason jar. Then Joe knew that his ruse was in vain and he had revealed that he was completely blind—not a vestige of vision left in his hollow eyes.

Then front door opened and it was Adam "Joe, it's time…" Adam stopped. A lovely young woman was looking at Joe, her eyes brimming with tears and Joe stood up, knocking over a jar of preserves on the table.

"You always liked my strawberry preserves, Joe. I thought that I would just bring you a jar. I couldn't think…"

"You've seen the blind man now, Sally, That's what you really came out for, isn't it? To check if all the rumors you heard were true. Well, they are. I'm as blind as a man in a grave. So go on, Sally, tell everyone how Joe Cartwright can't see, that it's all true." And Joe turned, bumping into another chair and shoving his way past Adam who watched as Joe teetered through the house, caroming against furniture as he finally made it to the stairs. Ben stood in surprise and Hoss watched open-mouthed. Miss Dobbs, her head cocked, knew by the sounds of confused steps and by Joe's gasps for air to stop himself from crying, that he was upset, that something awful had happened to him.

Sally looked at Adam. She had never seen this man before and wondered who he was; she had heard that a driver had taken a woman out to the Ponderosa as Joe's teacher, a blind woman, so this dark-haired man couldn't be the teacher.

"I thought," Sally said, her lip quivering, "that I could cheer up Joe but I made it worse." Tears rolled down her cheek.

"I'm Adam, Joe's brother and you didn't make it worse. You must be Sally Morris." She nodded. "You didn't make it worse, Sally, and Joe would have had to face you or someone else eventually."

Sally nodded and then went to her buggy. Adam followed and helped her up. Then she took up the reins and looked once more at Adam.

Adam conceded that she was a lovely girl, a kind girl; it was no wonder Joe had been sparking her."He'll realize that his pride is something that works against him and maybe, just maybe, we can get him into town or to see you again. But whatever happens, kindness and generosity are never wasted. Thank you for coming out, Sally."

Sally nodded, turned the buggy and headed away from the Ponderosa. Adam watched her ride away, then before he went inside, picked up the book and the strawberry preserves and walked into the house.

Adam told them all what happened, about Sally seeing Joe blind and that was why he had taken to the stairs. No one said anything and Jamie looked astounded; he was confused by all the new dynamics going on in the household.

"I need to go talk to him," Ben said, his face reflecting the strain of his worry about Joe.

"I don't think you should, Pa. Not now at least. This is something Joe needs to ask help about, not something you can bring up. Maybe Hoss should just go up and tell him dinner's ready. By Joe's response, we'll know how Joe is."

"Good idea," Ben said and Hoss went nimbly up the stairs and they could hear him knock on Joe's door and Hoss telling him about dinner. Then Hoss came down, crestfallen.

"Says he ain't hungry. I asked if I could have his dessert and he didn't say nothin'. You know that ain't like him."

Ben spoke up. "Adam. Why don't you go talk to him. You were there and saw what happened."

"Please," Miss Dobbs said. "This type of pain, a girl and a girl he apparently cared for seeing him blind for the first time, well, that's something different from other types of pain."

Adam looked puzzled. "I infer that it's an experience you're familiar with."

"Yes, it is—very familiar with." Miss Dobbs sighed and Adam thought that she looked older than before. "And I still think about it. I know of what I speak, so please, let me consider how to help Joseph." Hop Sing called for dinner and they all rose and Ben politely led Miss Dobbs to her place. Except for requests to pass a dish, the dinner was eaten in relative silence.

After dinner, they sat in the great room, listening to the falling rain. Adam was reading, Hoss was repairing a bridle, Jamie sat at the desk doing his homework and Ben, sitting in his big red chair, smoking his pipe and reading The Territorial Enterprise. Miss Dobbs was at the table sipping another cup of coffee and lost in contemplation. They all looked to the stairway, even Miss Dobbs, as they heard Joe come down. Ben sighed in relief, believing that Joe had come around and that his stomach had gotten the better of him.

"So, Joe, hungry at last?" Ben said.

"No, not hungry," Joe answered as he made his way to the liquor cabinet. "I'm thirsty." Joe opened the doors of the cabinet and felt around until he found the bottle of bourbon by its shape. He grabbed it by the neck and turned toward the door.

"Joe," Ben said, "stay in here and we'll all have a drink together." Ben realized that his order sounded more like a desperate plea.

"No, I don't think so, Pa. I want to drink and drink and drink until I'm so shit-faced drunk that I puke up my guts…and all my memories of this afternoon." And Joe opened the door, the rain falling loudly and stepped out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

"Hoss," Ben said, "Adam…go bring him back in."

Hoss and Adam looked at each other as Jaimie watched to see what would be done.

"No, Pa," Hoss said. "Some things a man's gotta figure out on his own. Like Miss Dobbs said, you can't go protectin' Joe from everything and you sure as hell can't protect him from himself."

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

_This scene is taken in a great part from the episode and some of the dialogue is the same or similar but I have taken the liberty to make changes (Because I can! LOL.) Thanks to all who are reading-and enjoying. I would hope that those of you who don't enjoy it would stop reading by now but alas, not so._

Tension filled the great room as first one hour passed and then another and Joe was still outside.

"I'm going out," Adam said, "and drag him back in. C'mon, Hoss."

The two brothers stood, both determined to handle their youngest brother in their own way when Miss Dobbs stood up.

"Please," she said, "let me try first. I know the pain he's feeling and I know what attitude will bring him around; he can't be forced to accept his blindness—he has to come around on his own volition.. I know how it feels to have people shun you because you make them uncomfortable, make them wonder how they escaped the same damage you suffered and they also wonder if they'll be next. Blind people frighten the average person but imagine how we feel not being able to see the expression on another person's face. That's what Joseph's going through. He has no idea how the young lady looked—was she shocked, horrified, full of pity?"

"Miss Dobbs," Ben said, "my son took a bottle of whiskey out on the porch and it's pouring rain. I want him inside before he's so drunk he passes out in a puddle and drowns."

"I know you're exaggerating slightly but your concern for him isn't exaggerated—I know it's sincere. But give me a chance-please, I beg you for this. I am well aware of how much all of you love him and want to help him. You, Adam, Hoss, and Jamie—as his brothers you've worked wonders with his joie de vivre, he has found joy in living but how long will that last? Until you go back to Baltimore, Adam, and until Hoss leaves for long days on a cattle drive or such. And, Jamie, you have years of schooling left. I admit that you all know Joseph better than I but I know blind people better. Give me a chance."

Ben, Hoss and Adam looked to one another and both Adam and Hoss gave Ben an almost imperceptible nod—it was more in their expression than anything else but Ben understood it.

"All right," Ben said. "Try and remember that we're here to help you—and Joseph-in any way we can."

"Thank you," Miss Dobbs said and found her way to the front door. Adam followed her as she seemed less sure of her step and direction than usual and Adam wondered if that meant that Miss Dobbs was less secure about where she was going with Joe. But Miss Dobbs left the door open as she walked out on the porch and then stopped when she heard Joe call out greetings to her.

"Surprised, Miss Dobbs? Surprised that I knew it was you? See what you taught me? I can recognize footsteps now but actually, even with sitting in the rain, I can smell your lemon verbena scent. My mother used to place rose sachets in her drawers. I still think of her whenever I smell a rose. Funny, isn't it, what a smell can do, a scent, an odor." Joe took a swig from the bottle of whiskey he held. He was sitting on the ground just outside the shelter of the porch roof. His hair was soaked as were his clothes as the rain fell as evenly on him as it did on all of nature. "Forgive me, Miss Dobbs. Where are my manners? Would you like some whiskey?" He held up the bottle. "Here. Come take a slug. It's good whiskey—Kentucky bourbon—the finest there is."

"Feeling sorry for yourself, are you, Joseph?"

"It seems that as long as everyone else does, I might as well join the group. I had a visitor today, Miss Dobbs, a girl, a pretty girl but I couldn't see her—couldn't see how pretty she is. I used to just gaze on her and admire how she looked but as I said, I couldn't see her but she could see me. She came out to see me, to stare at me and she tricked me. The bitch tricked me into behaving like a damn fool—a blind fool. If thine eye offend thee, pluck it out! Well, my eyes offend me, Miss Dobbs. They have deserted me and I am offended!" Joe took a long swallow of bourbon. "You sure you won't have a drink, Miss Dobbs?"

Adam and Hoss stood just inside the open door, listening and waiting to see if they were needed.

"Do you think that you're the only one who's been embarrassed or humiliated?" Miss Dobbs said. "But why not? You're the only one who's ever been blind, right, Joseph? No one but you. Well, grovel in your misery. I'm sure there have been other girls in your life and trust me, Joseph, blind or not, there will be others to come. But let's just focus on this one, on what happened and live it over and over until you're so mired in misery and self-pity that you'll never come back and join the world."

"That's easy for you to say," Joe said, his voice breaking as his tears mingled with the rain. "What do you know about being blind? What? Nothing! You don't know anything, neither does Adam or Hoss or my father or anyone else except another blind person."

"I lied to you, Joe."

Adam held his breath. Now, he thought, now she is going to tell him, reveal the truth to him, but Adam ended up disappointed.

"I didn't need a job here. I have more work at the institute than I can handle and there are students who desperately need me, need a teacher, someone to lead them out of the darkness. But you keep on believing that no one can help you and maybe you're right because you have to be determined to help yourself first," Miss Dobbs said. "Keep on thinking that you're the only person who has gone through pain and suffering and had to adjust to situations that can't be changed. Just drown yourself out here in the rain and the whiskey and enjoy the self-pity that you so hate to receive from others." Miss Dobbs turned around and using her outstretched arm, made her way back to the door and Adam and Hoss stepped aside to let her enter the house.

Ben rose from his chair and started to go to the door but Adam, who had stayed at the door, put up his hand to stop him and Hoss said, "Joe's comin' in, Pa. Go sit down." Adam quietly closed the door and sat back down and a few moments later, a wet, muddy, bedraggled Joe staggered in the house, stumbling as he felt his way along the credenza against the wall and then lurched to the table behind the settee.

"Miss Dobbs?" Joe called out.

"I'm here, Joseph," she said. She had taken her seat at the table again.

Joe, the water streaming down his face from his wet hair said, "I'll be ready in the morning for my next lesson. I'll be ready." And Joe moved to the stairs. He reached the newel post and then turned slightly to his family that he knew was still sitting there and watching him. He felt the heat from the fireplace as much as he felt the love radiate from the people in the room despite the muddled thinking from the whiskey he had drunk. "All of you—I'm ready to face this now—all of it. I know you love me, want to help me but I have to do this alone—with Miss Dobbs teaching me how." And he took the stairs, one by one as he staggered slightly from the whiskey.

"I hope that's the worst of it," Hoss said. "I don't think I can take anymore."

Adam looked to Hoss and then in a soft voice said, "Thank you, Miss Dobbs. Thank you for your bluntness with Joe but I think that tomorrow you should tell him that you're blind. He's made up his mind to learn as much as possible so I think he's ready."

"One more day, Adam-give me one more day. I'll prepare Joseph for the news tomorrow but I need that time." She stood and maneuvered to her bedroom door and closed it behind her.

Adam wondered what Miss Dobbs had in mind and just why she needed another day to tell Joe the truth. He was sorely tempted to go to Joe and tell him about Miss Dobbs himself but instead, he went to Joe's room where Joe lay in his wet clothes on the bed and he and Hoss helped Joe out of the wet clothing and soaked boots and socks and into a dry nightshirt. And while Hoss built a fire, Adam tucked Joe into bed as he had done so many times when Joe was a small child.

"Don't he still look like a kid when he's asleep like that?" Hoss asked.

"Yeah, he does. Still has that face of an angel." When Adam and Hoss turned to leave, their father was standing in the doorway.

"He still needs us," Ben said, "but needing your family is no weakness, no matter what others might think."

"No, Pa," Adam said putting his arm around his father's shoulder. "Let's all go to bed now. It's been a long day." And the three men went to their separate rooms, each with their own worries and thoughts.

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

_Thanks to all of you who have taken time out of your day to read this story. I appreciate it._

Hoss and Adam rode into Virginia City after an early breakfast; Adam sent a telegram to his business partner informing him that his return to Baltimore was still indeterminate. Then Adam treated Hoss to a haircut and shave and decided to have his moustache removed. Afterwards, he and Hoss sat in The Silver Dollar saloon nursing their beers.

"Now you look like a cowhand," Hoss said, "and not like some city slicker."

Adam smiled and then his grin fell away. "I don't trust Miss Dobbs," Adam said.

"Where'd that come from?" Hoss asked. He knew that Adam hadn't quite taken to Miss Dobbs but then Adam was always a bit standoffish when it came to meeting new people. They had to prove themselves to him. But now, out of the blue, Adam brought up Miss Dobbs.

Adam turned his mug of beer on the table, watching the foam slip up and down the sides. "It's been sitting in my craw for a while now."

"Adam, you're always suspicious of everyone. I think you were born that way. Now I know that you been right a lot about not trustin' everyone and that sometimes, when you trusted certain people, they turned on you but damn, Adam, I think you might give Miss Dobbs the shadow of a doubt."

"Maybe I should but she gets my hackles up. I know she means well but…you just said I'm often right."

"As much as I hate to admit it, you are, but why don't you trust her? 'Cause she ain't been up front with Joe 'bout her bein' blind?"

"I just hate deceit and games and I've been drawn into this deception and it rubs me the wrong way. And you and Pa and even Jamie, not to mention Hop Sing, have been drawn into it as well. We all have to pretend that Miss Dobbs is a normal, sighted person and she isn't."

"I know, Adam, but, well, Joe is learnin' a lot."

"But to what end? He's been going through so much anxiety not knowing what people are thinking because he can't see their expressions and now, just because he can't see, he's been tricked by Miss Dobbs and it seems like a conspiracy with all of us involved."

"I don't know that I'd call it a trick or even a conspiracy. Ain't that a little strong?"

"I don't think so. The first night I was back, when I was talking to Joe, he mentioned the Chinese saying that Hop Sing gave to the merchants in Chinatown." Hoss looked puzzled so Adam explained. "May you do business with the blind. That's the same as saying 'May you be able to cheat your customers and make a profit.' Well, Joe said that he was a blind man, just waiting to be victimized and I feel that Miss Dobbs has victimized him—and so have we."

"Oh, c'mon, ease up, Adam. You make it sound as if she's evil and she ain't. She wants what's best for Joe—that's all, and that's all we want too."

"Does she want what best for Joe or best for herself? She has her own agenda and whatever it is, I don't approve."

Hoss pressed his lips together; Adam was usually—but not always—right. "Drink your beer and then let's go home. We gotta stop by the Willard's on the way to check up on that mare we wanna buy. Pa said for you to be the judge on how much Willard wants since you can judge horseflesh better than any of us."

"Okay," Adam said and drained his mug of beer. "Maybe it'll take my mind off wanting to shake the truth out of Miss Dobbs."

It was almost dinner time when Hoss and Adam returned to the Ponderosa. Joe and Miss Dobbs were sitting on the porch and Joe was reading braille.

"Hello, older brothers," Joe said, grinning. "Bet you never thought that you'd see me reading a book, did you, Adam?"

"Not unless someone had a gun to your head," Adam said.

"What you readin' anyway?" Hoss asked.

"He's reading Shakespeare," Miss Dobbs answered, "Sonnets." She smiled and reached over and patted Joe's arm. Adam noted the movement; one of affection.

"Well, more power to you, shortshanks." And Hoss slapped Joe on the shoulder as he and Adam passed him and Miss Dobbs on the porch and went into the house.

Ben was sitting in his red chair and looked up when Hoss and Adam came in. The two proceeded to unbuckle their gun belts and hang up their hats but both Adam and Hoss could see that their father was upset.

"What's wrong?" Adam asked. He and Hoss walked over to the settee; Adam sat down and waited for their father to speak while Hoss stood, his brow furrowed. It disturbed his sense of equanimity to see his father so upset. Hoss liked peace and calm and there had been so little of that lately.

"I don't know if wrong is the correct word to use. Miss Dobbs wants Joe to go back with her and become a teacher of the blind. She told me that she suggested it to Joe, told him that he had a way with people and would be…could be of use to others as a teacher. She said Joe was amenable to the idea but said that he had to think about it. Miss Dobbs wants me to encourage him."

"So that what she's been up to. Didn't I tell you, Hoss? She's worked her machinations on us all and did so with a masterful touch."

"Now, Adam," Hoss said, "you don't know that she worked…whatever it was you said, or planned anything."

"She didn't want to tell him she was blind until she had him convinced to go back with her. She wants Joe with her."

Ben leaned forward. "What are you saying, Adam? That Miss Dobbs is in love with him?"

"No, not that—well, in a way I think she is but not romantically. She loves him because Joe is…he just brings out that love in people. Pa, she knows Joe is old enough to make this decision on his own but if he asks me my opinion, I'll tell him exactly what I think. Actually, I might do it without his asking and if she doesn't tell Joe about her blindness tomorrow morning, I'll tell him myself. I'm finished with this game."

The sound of the front door opening brought their conversation to an end. Joe was rubbing his eyes as he came in, Miss Dobbs guiding him to some degree.

"Something wrong, Joe?" Ben stood up, worried and went over to Joe, holding him by his upper arms and looking in his face.

"No, I just think I've been trying to learn too much too fast. My eyes are bothering me. For the last day and a half, there have been, well, I guess it's like little explosions behind my eyes."

"That's probably your brain explodin' from so much book learnin'," Hoss said. "Nothin' serious." Joe smiled at that but then his face took on a worried look again.

"I suggested that he lie down and put a cool, damp cloth over his eyes," Miss Dobbs said. "Sometimes a blind person, when they've been concentrating as Joseph has been, forgets to blink and their eyes become painfully dry."

Ben put his arm around Joe's shoulders. "I'll walk with you and get you a wet cloth."

"Pa, I don't need…" but Joe paused. "Thanks, Pa." And father and son mounted the stairs. Joe wanted to talk to his father alone; he wanted to share what Miss Dobbs had said, that he would be a good teacher for the blind and could be trained at the San Francisco School. At last, Joe was realizing that he could participate in the world in a positive way. He felt he now had a reason to go on and learn more.

As soon as Ben and Joe were out of earshot, Adam turned on Miss Dobbs. "Our father told us about your idea of Joe becoming a teacher. So that's what you wanted all along, to take Joe back with you?"

"You think I've been plotting and conniving this whole time, don't you, Adam?'

"Yes, I do. And you duped us, misled all of us by first, getting us to agree to play along with your little charade and second because you presented yourself as altruistic but in reality, you're self-serving. I think that you do this all the time when you visit possible 'recruits' because all blind people are potential teachers in your mind, aren't they? You live and work in an insular world and only the blind are invited in. You wanted Joe to know—on your own terms, of course, that a blind person can teach another blind person much better than a sighted person can."

"I wanted Joseph to see that, true, but you have to admit, Adam, no matter what you may think of me or my techniques, that Joseph needs to feel useful in this world, to find his place and I believe that his place is as a teacher. I talked about it with him and he said that he would give me his answer tomorrow. I hope that both you and Hoss will support him, no matter what he chooses."

"And when will you tell him about you, Miss Dobbs? Before or after he accepts the proposal?"

"After he either accepts or declines—whatever he decides."

"I'm going to hold you to that," Adam said. "No more stays." And Adam went out on the porch. He was furious with Miss Dobbs but if Joe wanted to go with her, Adam would have to accept it. But the urge to bound up the stairs and tell Joe the truth was practically overwhelming.

Dinner that evening was pleasant enough although everyone except Miss Dobbs, noticed that Joe would often squeeze shut his eyes and then blink as if he had something in them.

"Your eyes still bothering you, Joe?" Ben asked. "Didn't the cool cloth help your eyes?"

"You're s'posed to be hurtin' the mornin' after a whiskey binge, not the night after."

Joe chuckled but it was obvious that he wasn't feeling well. He pushed back his chair and stood up. "I think I'll go turn in; I'm awful tired."

Everyone said their goodnights and Joe carefully walked up the stairs. He was ashamed of his behavior the night before when he had sat in the rain drinking, so he was trying to conduct himself with more dignity. And then there was the opportunity to become a teacher and be of service to others; he would be able to understand their problems. He had decided that he would say yes. Besides, he wanted to tell Adam goodbye in person, not in a letter from their father or in one that he would have to dictate to another.

That morning, Joe was still asleep when everyone else sat down to breakfast. Ben had checked on him but Joe was softly breathing as he slept so Ben left him; there was no reason to wake him early. Today was going to be important to them all.

Adam spoke about the subject first.

"You're going to tell Joe today, aren't you?"

"Yes." Miss Dobbs stood up and went out on the porch; Adam made her uncomfortable. He could see through her actions and it upset her. She wasn't an evil woman, that she knew, but he was right about her wanting to recruit teachers among the bind adults she reached—and that she had a special interest in Joe. She wanted him to go back with her; he could ease a painful loss in her life.

But a practical reason existed as well. There was such a desperate need for teachers and so many blind children who until recently, had often been abandoned by their families or worse, murdered as infants. Only now were they receiving the education they needed. Only now were people realizing there were brains and intellects behind the unseeing eyes. But perhaps, she had to admit, Adam was right; she had duped them, tricked them to reach her goal of convincing Joseph to become a teacher and to be with her in San Francisco. So she stood on the porch, feeling the morning sun in her face and considered her position—and how and when she was going to tell Joseph that she was as blind as he.

TBC


	16. Chapter 16

**Part 16**

Joe rolled over on the bed. His head vaguely ached and for some reason, his stomach was protesting the movement. Joe felt his bile rise so he turned flat on his back again and threw an arm over his face, covering his eyes. They were bothering him again. He considered that they didn't hurt it was just that…and then he realized that he was covering his eyes because he saw a light through his closed lids. It wasn't the explosions, one of the flashes of brightness that had been occurring but a definite brightness as if the sun was streaming in the window and preventing him from sleeping late. So many times when he was younger, especially when there was work to be done, Joe would turn his back to the window so that he could sleep longer but Hoss or Adam and sometimes even Hop Sing would come banging on his door telling him to get his lazy ass out of bed—or some version of it depending on the messenger. One time, Adam threw the contents of the wash pitcher on him. Joe had jumped up, sputtering, and Adam, laughing at his anger, raced down the stairs.

"I'll get you, Adam," Joe had said standing at the foot of the stairs while Adam sat back down, Hoss and even his own father laughed at his fuming as they sat at breakfast. "You just wait. When you're least expecting it, I'll get you." And then he had stomped back up the stairs. But Joe never had gotten even with Adam—was afraid of Adam's potential reprisal.

Joe wondered if it was morning or not. No one had come to wake him and usually he could tell the time by the chiming of the grandfather clock or the mantle clock in his bedroom but all he heard was the ticking. Miss Dobbs had said that there were clocks made just for the blind and that he could order one from the company that made them; she would provide him with the address. Joe observed himself; was he still sleepy? More than once, Joe had risen and dressed and gone downstairs only to eventually hear the clock chime two or three o'clock; he had risen too early.

Joe pulled his arm away from covering his eyes but kept them shut; there was a definite change when he turned his face toward the window. His heart began to thump as he told himself not to get his hopes up. Maybe this was the way it was after being blind for so long? Maybe the blackness that had constantly been before him and within him, had begun to change to a glowing grayness? He would have to ask Miss Dobbs.

Miss Dobbs. Joe remembered that he was going to tell his family that he had decided to return to San Francisco with Miss Dobbs, that as of today, he was going to train to be a teacher. Joe opened his eyes slightly and then he squeezed them shut and turned his face away; a blinding brightness had flooded into his dilated pupils. It was almost pain. Joe found he was shaking with fear—fear of false hope. He barely opened his eyes again and moved his hand in front of his face. He definitely perceived the movement but it was vague and shadowy. But he saw. Joe's breath came in painful gasps and tears wet his eyes as the full impact hit him. He could see. Granted, it wasn't much but he could see, could discern his hand in front of his face.

Joe sat up, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the light in the room. He turned toward the window but the light was too bright, too piercing and made him dizzy. He turned his head to look around the rest of the room, away from the window. He could make out vague shapes and distinguish colors. He looked at his nightshirt. It had blue and white stripes; he could discern the colors.

Joe practically jumped out of bed and went to the mirror. His heart was booming in his chest and fear and hope mingled but he looked and made out his reflection. The details were still fuzzy but he could differentiate his face from his hair and he laughed. He could see. After all this time, just when he had accepted the fact that he would be blind forever, he could see.

"Pa! Pa!" Joe's voice pealed from upstairs and Hoss, Adam, Jamie and Ben turned toward the sound. Ben dropped his coffee cup and it split the saucer as it hit against it.

"Jamie," Ben said, "stay here." Ben didn't know what they would face upstairs. Jamie sat back down while the three men raced up the stairs.

At the top of the landing, Hoss and Adam gave way to their father and they followed him as he rushed before them and flung open the door. None of them expected to see a jubilant Joe-a smiling, laughing, grinning Joe.

"I can see, Pa! I can see again." Joe rushed to his father and held onto his arms. He looked at his brothers, both of whom stood smiling at the news.

"You can see me, Joe?" Ben asked. "Clearly?"

"As clear as I can Hoss and Adam—course, that's a mixed blessing." All the men laughed and Hoss and Adam stepped into the room and hugged their brother and slapped him on the back. Joe couldn't stop smiling.

"Miss Dobbs," Joe said. "I have to tell her that I can see. Where is she?" Joe noticed the glance between Hoss and Adam.

"What's wrong?" Joe said. "She hasn't left yet, has she?"

"No, but, Joe—there's something about Miss Dobbs…" Ben stumbled on the words.

"She's on the front porch," Adam said.

Joe bounded down the stairs. He was sure that Miss Dobbs would be happy for him; she would be overjoyed.

"Adam" Ben said, "I think we should have told him that Miss Dobbs is blind."

"We should have told him weeks ago," Adam said, "but now he has to find out on his own."

Joe went onto the porch and saw the back of a standing woman—a slender, solitary figure, her hair dressed neatly in a modest up do. "Miss Dobbs," Joe said, his voice tremulous.

"Yes, Joseph," she said, not turning.

"I…" Joe walked around to stand in front of her and then he knew—she was as blind as he had been. Her eyes were vague and unfocused and she tipped her chin and turned her face as she heard him moving.

"You can see, Joseph, can't you?"

Joe felt a sob ripped from his chest and he fell to his knees in front of Miss Dobbs. He hugged her, hid his face against her waist as she stroked his hair as a mother would her beloved child's.

"Oh, Joseph—that's such wonderful news—I am happy, so happy for you. God has granted you one of the greatest gifts—to have lost something precious and then to have found it again."

"But, Miss Dobbs—what about you? What will you do? And what about my becoming a teacher? Now that things have changed…"

"You will stay here, Joseph, of course. I will go back to the Institute as soon as I can. I have much work yet to do." She smiled gently. "My work here is done, Joseph. You don't need me anymore and I'm glad about that. In this case, it is wonderful and most rewarding to not be of any use."

"I love you," Joe said as he pressed his face against her, his arms around her.

"I know you do, Joseph, and I love you, my son. I love you. Now don't cry. You have so much to celebrate. So very much." And she was happy for Joe but the sadness of losing him brought out her self-pity that she hadn't felt in so long and she was ashamed.

**Epilogue**

Adam clucked to the horses, snapped the reins, and the buggy headed toward Virginia City. Joe had wanted to ride into town with them to see Miss Dobbs off but she had told Joe that he needed to reacquaint himself with his surroundings and maybe, and here she had smiled and patted Joe's arm, go visit Sally Morris.

The two rode in an uncomfortable silence for almost the whole length of the ride. Of all the Cartwrights, Adam thought that he would be the last one Miss Dobbs would ask to drive her into town. But he had agreed to her request—mainly out of curiosity. Finally, just as they hit the outskirts of Virginia City, Adam broke the silence.

"Why did you ask for me to drive you?"

"I thought that you would be the happiest to see me off."

Adam chuckled. "No, that's not true. You should have taken up my father's invitation to stay a week longer."

"No, I'm needed back at the Institute. I can't afford to take a vacation from my work."

"Joe and I had a little talk, you know. He asked me why I didn't tell him earlier that you were blind. He said that he thought that of all people, I would tell him the truth."

"I'm sorry that I put you in the position where you had to go along with me in misleading him but I still think I was correct and I would do it again."

"I wouldn't," Adam said. "I should have told him right out. Joe said he understood that I didn't completely lie—just kept the truth to myself. And he said that he understood that we were asked not to reveal the fact that you're blind, that it was your place to tell him—not mine-but I still haven't reconciled my deceitfulness with myself no matter how good-intentioned it was. Actually, I kept the truth from Joe more for my father's sake than for Joe's. I would do anything to spare my father any pain so when you said that you felt it was the way to reach Joe and my father asked me to go along, I did."

"You think a great deal of your father, don't you, Adam?"

"Yes. I think he's a great man and he's suffered so much pain and loss in his life that I'll spare him from pain in any way I can. He would have let Joe go with you if it was what Joe wanted but it was tearing him apart."

The day was beautiful with a light breeze, the air filled with the sounds of the town as they drove further down the main street.

"You were right about me, Adam," Miss Dobbs quietly said.

"How?"

"I wanted Joseph for a teacher from the moment I met him. My usual modus operandi, so to speak is that once the student trusts me, usually after a day or so, I tell them that I too am blind and if I can help them, then they can help themselves. But Joseph was a bit surly and none too welcoming; your father had told me about Joseph not wanting a teacher and not wanting to accept the fact that he may be permanently blind so I knew that he would be more difficult to deal with—and he is an adult and therefore, difficult to coerce. But Joseph has a gentleness about him, a tenderness, and so I appealed to his sense of generosity and told him that I needed this job; he then agreed to receive lessons from me—Joseph just needed an out, a way to save his pride. Nevertheless, I recognized his potential immediately. Joseph has a spark of life about him that just warms everyone who meets him; he can't dampen it, no matter what circumstances or how he tries—at least not for long—it flares back into life and he makes everyone more aware of their own existence. The children would love him immediately. That was my plan, to have him teach the children. What happiness he would have brought them. I know that he's a grown man but yet, there's such a youthfulness about him, an endearing childlike quality. Your family is lucky to have him—and he's lucky to have all of you."

"Yes. We are lucky. But you love him as well, don't you?"

"Yes, I love him but not in the way a woman loves a man—as a mother does." Miss Dobbs paused for moment, considering whether or not she should reveal her secret to Adam. She decided to. "Years ago, I gave birth to a son—a healthy infant or so they told me before they whisked him away and gave him to a family. I, as a newly blind girl, thought that I wouldn't be able to care for him; I had no idea what a blind person is able to do at that time. My son would be about Joseph's age and when I met Joseph, well, let it suffice to say that I do wish Joseph were my son, my own child. Who could possibly want a more wonderful, young man? And maybe that's why I used teaching him as an excuse to keep him to myself, to create a bubble around us that was more like a mother and child relationship than teacher and student. For that I apologize. Nevertheless, I hope that when Joseph thinks of me, it will be with fondness," she said. "You won't ruin that, will you, Adam?

"No, I won't ruin that." Since she was a "Miss," Adam could easily conjecture her past and in a manner, he admired her; she had suffered. "I'm sure Joe will think of you with great affection."

They reached the depot and Adam pulled up the buggy, jumped down and helped Miss Dobbs down. She declined Adam's help to intervene for her at the window and bought her ticket and just as she was about to board the stage, she turned to Adam who had handed up her bags to the driver.

"What about you, Adam? When will you be returning to Baltimore?"

"I haven't quite decided but it'll be soon because I have business to wrap up. I have to dissolve my partnership in the architectural firm, sell my brownstone and conclude my banking business."

"So you're staying here at the Ponderosa."

"Yes," Adam said quietly. "There's just something about being home that's made me realize how much I love the place. I feel more complete being here. I think, Miss Dobbs, we search for happiness outside of ourselves, thinking a new place or a new person can give it to us, but really, if we're lucky enough, we discover we always had the potential to be happy because it's inside ourselves—like the stillness within that you always preached to Joe. I now believe that if we examine ourselves, we'll find that our own happiness is within each of us—not out there. A little bit ironic but I believe it's true."

Miss Dobbs chuckled. "Yes, Adam, you're probably right. I have learned quite a bit about myself—never a pleasant thing at first but I think I have learned as much from this experience as Joe. Goodbye, Adam." And Adam helped Miss Dobbs onto the stage and stepped away as it started rolling on its journey to San Francisco.

Joe stepped out on the front porch and Hoss followed him. "How 'bout we get Hop Sing to pack us a lunch, we saddle up the horses and then when Adam gets back, we all go on out to Lake Tahoe for some fishing?" Joe said.

"Now that sounds like a danged good idea," Hoss said. "Lemme see if Jamie wants to go. Hell, maybe even Pa will want to go. Fresh fish for dinner tonight sure sounds good."

Hoss went inside, hollering out for Hop Sing, and Joe looked out at the blue sky full of clouds and the green of the pines and the redness of the barn. The chickens were scratching in the yard for food. He had taken so much for granted before and he decided from that moment on to appreciate all the beauty of the world and all it held. And Joe thought of the woman who had taught him to use all his senses.

"Thank you, Miss Dobbs. Thank you for teaching me to face reality and to value what we have—before it's gone." And Joe smiled as he thought of Miss Dobbs; he loved her.

~ Finis ~


End file.
